Public Service Announcement
(Reposted from the He-Man's Woman Hater's Club.)
Because I'm a man !
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in
the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long
after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.'
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied
upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.'
For all I know, these are the same thing.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our
appliances stops working, I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead
(applies to engineers only)
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask
me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either beer, sports, sex,
cars or sex. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so just don't ask.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to
ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't... and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I
will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. The color is just fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. Jewelry adds to the outfit,
any pieces are fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.
It does not make your rear end look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and
margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all,
the year 2008, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a
beer, wondering what to do.
The Joke Thread
-
ThunderTitan
- Perpetual Poster
- Posts: 23270
- Joined: 06 Jan 2006
- Location: Now/here
- Contact:
One for Ethric and the other lawyers in the group:
(Skip to Tennessee... the state where I reside. Note that I lived in Memphis for several months.)
Ridiculous US-Laws
Arkansas:
1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
1. In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
2. It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Florida:
1. Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday’s will be jailed.
Georgia:
1. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Indiana:
1. Monkey’s are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
1. In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
2. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
3. In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet HeyWoodey.
Massachusetts:
1. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
2. North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
3. In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Minnesota:
1. It is illegal to tease skunks.
2. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
1. A State law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.
2. Under State law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
Nebraska:
1. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
New York:
1. On Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
2. In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina:
1. It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Oklahoma:
1. People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
1. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
2. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man’s picture.
3. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
1. The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Pennsylvania:
1. "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Tennessee:
1. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
2. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
3. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
1. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Utah:
1. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia:
1. In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
Vermont:
1. It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
2. It is illegal to whistle underwater.
3. Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
(Skip to Tennessee... the state where I reside. Note that I lived in Memphis for several months.)
Ridiculous US-Laws
Arkansas:
1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
1. In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
2. It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Florida:
1. Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday’s will be jailed.
Georgia:
1. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Indiana:
1. Monkey’s are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
1. In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
2. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
3. In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet HeyWoodey.
Massachusetts:
1. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
2. North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
3. In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Minnesota:
1. It is illegal to tease skunks.
2. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
1. A State law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.
2. Under State law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
Nebraska:
1. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
New York:
1. On Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
2. In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina:
1. It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Oklahoma:
1. People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
1. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
2. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man’s picture.
3. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
1. The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Pennsylvania:
1. "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Tennessee:
1. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
2. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
3. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
1. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Utah:
1. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia:
1. In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
Vermont:
1. It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
2. It is illegal to whistle underwater.
3. Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
******************************************
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
-
ThunderTitan
- Perpetual Poster
- Posts: 23270
- Joined: 06 Jan 2006
- Location: Now/here
- Contact:
That's so ridiculous it's beyond belief.... once a month ain't nearly enough to teach her proper respect... more like once a day.ScarlettP wrote: Ridiculous US-Laws
Arkansas:
1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself!"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
Posted elsewhere by the father of a Marine currently serving 'you know where'....
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following, "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following, "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
******************************************
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
-
ThunderTitan
- Perpetual Poster
- Posts: 23270
- Joined: 06 Jan 2006
- Location: Now/here
- Contact:
Well see, heroin has no alcohol...ScarlettP wrote: 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
-
winterfate
- Round Table Hero
- Posts: 6191
- Joined: 26 Nov 2006
- Location: Puerto Rico
Naughty kitty! 
The Round Table's birthday list!
Proud creator of Caladont 2.0!
You need to take the pain, learn from it and get back on that bike... - stefan
Sometimes the hearts most troubled make the sweetest melodies... - winterfate
Proud creator of Caladont 2.0!
You need to take the pain, learn from it and get back on that bike... - stefan
Sometimes the hearts most troubled make the sweetest melodies... - winterfate
-
ThunderTitan
- Perpetual Poster
- Posts: 23270
- Joined: 06 Jan 2006
- Location: Now/here
- Contact:
Damn, now there's a human way to smother something to death... i suggest this replace the injection.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
The doomsday cult in Russia has decided to give up waiting for the end of the world. With this in mind, I have a list of other Doomsday profecies. They can quite rightly be called the best anti-apocalypses in history 
2800 BC: A Syrian stone plate from 2800 BC. carries the words: "Our Earth is degenerated in these final days. This is a sign that our world will soon come to an end." This is likely the earliest example of moral decay being interpreted as a sign of Doomsday.
500 AD: The first "even number" panic broke out. The Roman theologist Sextus Julius Afrikanus predicted that the apocalypse would strike this year, the same did Hippolytus and the theologist Irenaeus. Whaddayaknow, all three were wrong!
1000: Many Christians thought the world would come to an end January 1st this year, and many gave away all their belongings to the doomsday Church. Fortunately, most people were not very well educated and didn't know what year it was, and avoided unnecessary anxiety. Since neither Jesus nor Doomsday appeared, the Church decided to keep the "gifts" nontheless. The priesthood became slightly unpopular, and responded to the criticism by killing off some heathens...
1284: Pope Innocent III arrived at this number as Humanity's last by adding 666 (the number of the beast, baby!) to the year Islam was founded. Complicated theory, but it failed nontheless...
1346: The Black Death spread across Europe, killing one third of the population. This was of course seen as the introduction to the End of Days. The Christians had killed a lot of the cats, since they were seen as helpers of the witches. Bad idea. The fewer cats, the more rats, and it was the rats that spread the plague...
1524: According to English astrologers, the world would end on February 1st this year after a gigantic tsunami would flood the Earth. Around 20.000 people fled their homes, but when the day came it didn't even rain. The astrologers changed the date to February 1st 1624, since everybody would already be dead by then anyway...
1532: Bishop Frederick Nausea (yes ) of Venice was dead sure the world would end in 1532, and that "bloody crosses" would appear in the sky, right next to several comets. Right-O.
1603: The Dominican munk Tomasso Campanella wrote that the Earth would collide with the Sun in 1603. He missed by a couple of billion years...
1658: In his "The Book of Prophecies", Christopher Columbus claimed that the world was created in the year 5343 BC, with a shelf life of 7000 years. That means the world should have ended in 1658. Well, what else can we expect from a cabbage-head who thought America was India and stole the glory of discovering the new continent from a Norwegian!
1666: Take a thousand years and add 666 and presto! you get Doomsday anno 1666. Certainly, lots of English thought so. England was in a period of lots of war, and the population feared the worst. The big fire in London didn't help the mood.
The Turkish rabbi Sabbatha Zevi predicted that the Messiah would appear in 1648, in the shape of himself (duh). Since the response for profecies was rather low, he changed the date to the more interesting 1666. He gathered some followers with this theory, but he was arrested for inciting riots the same year. He got to choose between converting to Islam or being executed, and faithful to his convictions, he decided to... convert.
1694: A German prophet named Jacob Zimmermann said the world would end in autumn 1694. He gathered followers and travelled the the U.S, where they were to wish Jesus welcome back to Earth. The day after departure, Zimmermann died. Johannes Kelpius took over the leadership of the cult. The pilgrimage to the U.S. continued, and the cultists got very disappointed at having travelled all across the Atlantic ocean, just to get stood up by Jesus.
1761: Religious extremist William Bell claimed the world would be destroyed by earthquakes on the 5th of April 1761. England had already had earthquakes on the 8th of February and the 8th of March the same year, so of course there had to be another one 28 days later. Right? The Londoners gathered in boats on the Thames, and others fled to into the hills. After Bell's profecies turned out to be bulls***, the people had had enough. He was tossed into the Bedlam asylum, where he died a few years later.
1765: The ex-sailor Richard Brothers called himself "God's Allmighty Nephew". He was convinced that he was going to lead "the ten lost tribes of Israel", and that God planned to make him king of England. He also claimed the world was coming to an end by 1765, but then people got tired of him. He was eventually thrown in the looney bin as well.
1805: The world was being destroyed by an earthquake, followed by a time of eternal peace and God's love to all who made it (Made it through the world's destruction? Where were they gonna live?). The prophecy came from the priest Christopher Love, who got his head chopped off in the 18th century...
1844: My personal favourite. Willam Miller, the leader of the Millerites, calculated that Jesus would appear after the world's end some time between March 21st 1843 and March 21st 1844. He gathered thousands of followers, who became very sad when nothing happened that year. The movement was facing a deep crisis of faith, when the disiple Samuel S. Snow suggested that Jesus might appear on the 22nd of October instead. Miller thought this was a great idea, and the Millerites were happy again. On the big day, they gathered on a hilltop to wait for Jesus. The event was later referred to by the Millierites as "The Great Disappointment".
1863: The Southcott leader John Wroe found that Doomsday would come this year, and many believed him. This in spite of Wroe's nearly drowning during a failed attempt to walk on water in 1823. As a diversion, he let himself be circumcised in public.
1910: Many thought the world would end in the wake of Halley's comet, because cyanid gas from the comet's tail would poison the Earth's atmosphere. Hustlers used the opportunity to sell "comet pills" that made people immune to the gas. A sucker is born every minute, but hey, at least the buyers got what they wanted; they survived.
1914: Another of my faves. To the Jehova's Witnesses, this was one of the most important Doomsday prophecies. Via intricate calculations based on biblical verses, they also came up with 1874, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941 and 1975, just to play it safe... Since the end didn't come in the year 2000, Doomsday has now been post-poned until further notice.
1919: According to meteorologist Albert Porta, the position of 6 planets would cause a magnetic current, "tearing through the Earth and cause enormous explosions of fiery gas". The result: Earth becomes charcoal. The profecy caused a great deal of panic, and quite a few people commited suicide.
1936: Herbert W. Armstrong (founder of Worldwide Church of God) told his congregation that "The Rapture" would take place this year. Only true believers would live. He later changed the date three times, before giving up.
1954: The head of the UFO cult "Brotherhood of Seven", Dorothy Martin, claimed that the world would be destroyed by a gigantic wave (nobody seemed to ask where this wave would come from) on December 21st 1954. Hordes of cultists fled to the hills, while the other Londoners carried on with their business. The case cause such a stir that Leon Festinger wrote the book "When Profecy Fails", a classic study in mass psykosis, and the effect false prophecies have on the believers.
1959: Hundreds of Davidians gathered on Mt. Carmel awaiting the end of the world on April 22nd, but climbed dejected down the next day...
1967: August 20th would be the day of the Apocalypse, according to the UFO prophet George Van Tassle, who got his info directly from an alien by the name of Ashtar. Large parts of the U.S. would be destroyed by a Soviet nuke. Well, that happened, as we know...
1971: As the conflicts with Libya were hitting the high notes, senator (and later president) Ronald Reagan said that "for the first time in history, everything is ready for Armageddon, and the return of Christ". Good to know this particular Doomsayer had his finger on the Button for eight years.
Also, Reagan's home secretary said in a Congressional hearing in 1981 that "I don't know how many generations we can count on before the return of Our Lord."
1978: The irresponsible "People's Temple" leader Jim Jones had visions about the impending nuclear disaster, and was sure he was the only way out. He took his congregation to the jungle in Guyana, and set up the free city Jonestown. After lots of back-and-forth (and five murders) he convinced his follower to drink poison - 900 died, including Jones himself...
1985: In 1977, the retired (fortunately) NATO general Sir John Hacket wrote the book "Third World War: August 1985", in which he predicted World War III. The book was a bestseller, but oddly enough it's hard to find copies printed after 1984...
1986: Moses David in "The Children of God" claimed that the Apocalypse would begin with a war this year. The Soviet Union would defeat USA and Israel in WW3, and a worldwide communist dictatorship would be founded. Luckily, Jesus would come down on Earth and fix things in 1993
1988: Many writers have made money on prdicting the end of the world; one of the more creative ones was Edgar C. Whisenant, and his "88 reasons why the Rapture will be in 1988". The year after, he wrote the sequel "The final shout: Rapture Report 1989", albeit in a slightly more modest edition...
1991: Islamic fundamentalist Louis Farrakhan stated that the Gulf war would be the "War of Armageddon, which is the final war". Smart-alec Louis is still seen as one of the big black leaders in the States.
1992: Lee Jang Rim, leader of Korean doomsday cult "Mission for the Coming of Days", predicted that "The Rapture" would arrive October 28th 1992. He was later jailed for fraud, but the prophets of the Hyoo-Go cult recruited lots of followers the same year. Well, some never learn...
1994: Reverend John Hinkle claimed that God told him the Apocalypse would arrive June 9th -94. In a huge battle, God would "rip the evil out of the world". When this turned out to be rubbish, Hinkle said the whole thing had been invisible.
1997: 39 cadets of the UFO cult "Heaven's Gate" committed collective suicide to avoid the Apocalypse. They're currently enjoying themselves in a UFO in the Hale-Bopp comet. Alledgedly.
At the same time, "Sacredotal Knights of National Security" could reveal that the CIA had captured an alien, which under interrogation had confessed that an alien army would invade Earth on November 27th -97, to "enslave all men, women and children in the world". I wonder if they were in fact predicting the Pokemón fever....?
1998: Spanish authorities prevented the German psykologist Heide Fittkau-Garthe from poisoning 32 cult members. They were all convinced that the world would end January 8th -98. Spanish party poopers.
2060: Math wiz and theologist Isaac Newton spent fifty year calculating that Doomsday would hit in 2060. So, according to a guy who defined gravity after having an apple falling on his head, we still have some time...
2800 BC: A Syrian stone plate from 2800 BC. carries the words: "Our Earth is degenerated in these final days. This is a sign that our world will soon come to an end." This is likely the earliest example of moral decay being interpreted as a sign of Doomsday.
500 AD: The first "even number" panic broke out. The Roman theologist Sextus Julius Afrikanus predicted that the apocalypse would strike this year, the same did Hippolytus and the theologist Irenaeus. Whaddayaknow, all three were wrong!
1000: Many Christians thought the world would come to an end January 1st this year, and many gave away all their belongings to the doomsday Church. Fortunately, most people were not very well educated and didn't know what year it was, and avoided unnecessary anxiety. Since neither Jesus nor Doomsday appeared, the Church decided to keep the "gifts" nontheless. The priesthood became slightly unpopular, and responded to the criticism by killing off some heathens...
1284: Pope Innocent III arrived at this number as Humanity's last by adding 666 (the number of the beast, baby!) to the year Islam was founded. Complicated theory, but it failed nontheless...
1346: The Black Death spread across Europe, killing one third of the population. This was of course seen as the introduction to the End of Days. The Christians had killed a lot of the cats, since they were seen as helpers of the witches. Bad idea. The fewer cats, the more rats, and it was the rats that spread the plague...
1524: According to English astrologers, the world would end on February 1st this year after a gigantic tsunami would flood the Earth. Around 20.000 people fled their homes, but when the day came it didn't even rain. The astrologers changed the date to February 1st 1624, since everybody would already be dead by then anyway...
1532: Bishop Frederick Nausea (yes
) of Venice was dead sure the world would end in 1532, and that "bloody crosses" would appear in the sky, right next to several comets. Right-O.1603: The Dominican munk Tomasso Campanella wrote that the Earth would collide with the Sun in 1603. He missed by a couple of billion years...
1658: In his "The Book of Prophecies", Christopher Columbus claimed that the world was created in the year 5343 BC, with a shelf life of 7000 years. That means the world should have ended in 1658. Well, what else can we expect from a cabbage-head who thought America was India and stole the glory of discovering the new continent from a Norwegian!
1666: Take a thousand years and add 666 and presto! you get Doomsday anno 1666. Certainly, lots of English thought so. England was in a period of lots of war, and the population feared the worst. The big fire in London didn't help the mood.
The Turkish rabbi Sabbatha Zevi predicted that the Messiah would appear in 1648, in the shape of himself (duh). Since the response for profecies was rather low, he changed the date to the more interesting 1666. He gathered some followers with this theory, but he was arrested for inciting riots the same year. He got to choose between converting to Islam or being executed, and faithful to his convictions, he decided to... convert.
1694: A German prophet named Jacob Zimmermann said the world would end in autumn 1694. He gathered followers and travelled the the U.S, where they were to wish Jesus welcome back to Earth. The day after departure, Zimmermann died. Johannes Kelpius took over the leadership of the cult. The pilgrimage to the U.S. continued, and the cultists got very disappointed at having travelled all across the Atlantic ocean, just to get stood up by Jesus.
1761: Religious extremist William Bell claimed the world would be destroyed by earthquakes on the 5th of April 1761. England had already had earthquakes on the 8th of February and the 8th of March the same year, so of course there had to be another one 28 days later. Right? The Londoners gathered in boats on the Thames, and others fled to into the hills. After Bell's profecies turned out to be bulls***, the people had had enough. He was tossed into the Bedlam asylum, where he died a few years later.
1765: The ex-sailor Richard Brothers called himself "God's Allmighty Nephew". He was convinced that he was going to lead "the ten lost tribes of Israel", and that God planned to make him king of England. He also claimed the world was coming to an end by 1765, but then people got tired of him. He was eventually thrown in the looney bin as well.
1805: The world was being destroyed by an earthquake, followed by a time of eternal peace and God's love to all who made it (Made it through the world's destruction? Where were they gonna live?). The prophecy came from the priest Christopher Love, who got his head chopped off in the 18th century...
1844: My personal favourite. Willam Miller, the leader of the Millerites, calculated that Jesus would appear after the world's end some time between March 21st 1843 and March 21st 1844. He gathered thousands of followers, who became very sad when nothing happened that year. The movement was facing a deep crisis of faith, when the disiple Samuel S. Snow suggested that Jesus might appear on the 22nd of October instead. Miller thought this was a great idea, and the Millerites were happy again. On the big day, they gathered on a hilltop to wait for Jesus. The event was later referred to by the Millierites as "The Great Disappointment".
1863: The Southcott leader John Wroe found that Doomsday would come this year, and many believed him. This in spite of Wroe's nearly drowning during a failed attempt to walk on water in 1823. As a diversion, he let himself be circumcised in public.
1910: Many thought the world would end in the wake of Halley's comet, because cyanid gas from the comet's tail would poison the Earth's atmosphere. Hustlers used the opportunity to sell "comet pills" that made people immune to the gas. A sucker is born every minute, but hey, at least the buyers got what they wanted; they survived.
1914: Another of my faves. To the Jehova's Witnesses, this was one of the most important Doomsday prophecies. Via intricate calculations based on biblical verses, they also came up with 1874, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941 and 1975, just to play it safe... Since the end didn't come in the year 2000, Doomsday has now been post-poned until further notice.
1919: According to meteorologist Albert Porta, the position of 6 planets would cause a magnetic current, "tearing through the Earth and cause enormous explosions of fiery gas". The result: Earth becomes charcoal. The profecy caused a great deal of panic, and quite a few people commited suicide.
1936: Herbert W. Armstrong (founder of Worldwide Church of God) told his congregation that "The Rapture" would take place this year. Only true believers would live. He later changed the date three times, before giving up.
1954: The head of the UFO cult "Brotherhood of Seven", Dorothy Martin, claimed that the world would be destroyed by a gigantic wave (nobody seemed to ask where this wave would come from) on December 21st 1954. Hordes of cultists fled to the hills, while the other Londoners carried on with their business. The case cause such a stir that Leon Festinger wrote the book "When Profecy Fails", a classic study in mass psykosis, and the effect false prophecies have on the believers.
1959: Hundreds of Davidians gathered on Mt. Carmel awaiting the end of the world on April 22nd, but climbed dejected down the next day...
1967: August 20th would be the day of the Apocalypse, according to the UFO prophet George Van Tassle, who got his info directly from an alien by the name of Ashtar. Large parts of the U.S. would be destroyed by a Soviet nuke. Well, that happened, as we know...
1971: As the conflicts with Libya were hitting the high notes, senator (and later president) Ronald Reagan said that "for the first time in history, everything is ready for Armageddon, and the return of Christ". Good to know this particular Doomsayer had his finger on the Button for eight years.
Also, Reagan's home secretary said in a Congressional hearing in 1981 that "I don't know how many generations we can count on before the return of Our Lord."1978: The irresponsible "People's Temple" leader Jim Jones had visions about the impending nuclear disaster, and was sure he was the only way out. He took his congregation to the jungle in Guyana, and set up the free city Jonestown. After lots of back-and-forth (and five murders) he convinced his follower to drink poison - 900 died, including Jones himself...
1985: In 1977, the retired (fortunately) NATO general Sir John Hacket wrote the book "Third World War: August 1985", in which he predicted World War III. The book was a bestseller, but oddly enough it's hard to find copies printed after 1984...
1986: Moses David in "The Children of God" claimed that the Apocalypse would begin with a war this year. The Soviet Union would defeat USA and Israel in WW3, and a worldwide communist dictatorship would be founded. Luckily, Jesus would come down on Earth and fix things in 1993
1988: Many writers have made money on prdicting the end of the world; one of the more creative ones was Edgar C. Whisenant, and his "88 reasons why the Rapture will be in 1988". The year after, he wrote the sequel "The final shout: Rapture Report 1989", albeit in a slightly more modest edition...
1991: Islamic fundamentalist Louis Farrakhan stated that the Gulf war would be the "War of Armageddon, which is the final war". Smart-alec Louis is still seen as one of the big black leaders in the States.
1992: Lee Jang Rim, leader of Korean doomsday cult "Mission for the Coming of Days", predicted that "The Rapture" would arrive October 28th 1992. He was later jailed for fraud, but the prophets of the Hyoo-Go cult recruited lots of followers the same year. Well, some never learn...
1994: Reverend John Hinkle claimed that God told him the Apocalypse would arrive June 9th -94. In a huge battle, God would "rip the evil out of the world". When this turned out to be rubbish, Hinkle said the whole thing had been invisible.
1997: 39 cadets of the UFO cult "Heaven's Gate" committed collective suicide to avoid the Apocalypse. They're currently enjoying themselves in a UFO in the Hale-Bopp comet. Alledgedly.
At the same time, "Sacredotal Knights of National Security" could reveal that the CIA had captured an alien, which under interrogation had confessed that an alien army would invade Earth on November 27th -97, to "enslave all men, women and children in the world". I wonder if they were in fact predicting the Pokemón fever....?
1998: Spanish authorities prevented the German psykologist Heide Fittkau-Garthe from poisoning 32 cult members. They were all convinced that the world would end January 8th -98. Spanish party poopers.
2060: Math wiz and theologist Isaac Newton spent fifty year calculating that Doomsday would hit in 2060. So, according to a guy who defined gravity after having an apple falling on his head, we still have some time...
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.
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Kareeah Indaga
- Archlich
- Posts: 1137
- Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Actually it was fleas.Kalah wrote: 1346: The Black Death spread across Europe, killing one third of the population. This was of course seen as the introduction to the End of Days. The Christians had killed a lot of the cats, since they were seen as helpers of the witches. Bad idea. The fewer cats, the more rats, and it was the rats that spread the plague...
And aren't you missing the Mayan one for 2012???
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