The Joke Thread

[Gaidal Cain]

- How many elephants would fir on a car?
- Four. Two in the front seats, two in the rear.

Sigh. You need to tell the whole story:

-How many giraffes would fit in a car?
- Zero, unless you remove the elephants first.

[DaemianLucifer]

- How many elephants would fir on a car?
- Four. Two in the front seats, two in the rear.

Sigh. You need to tell the whole story:

-How many giraffes would fit in a car?
- Zero, unless you remove the elephants first.

That one is actually a series of 4 questions:

Q1:How can you put the elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
A1:Step 1:Open the fridge;Step 2:Put the elephant in;Step 3:Close the fridge.

Q2:How can you put a giraff in a fridge in 4 steps?
A2:Step 1:Open the fridge;Step 2:Take the elephant out;Step 3:Put the giraff in;Step 4:Close the fridge.

Q3:Lion,the king of all animals,calls all of the animals to the annual gathering,and all of them came,except one.Which one didnt come?
A3:The giraff.It was in the fridge.

Q4:There is a river in the amazon forest that is impossible to swim in because of the ferocious piranhas.Yet a brave explorer manage to cross it without any problems.How?
A4:The piranhas were on the annual animals gatherings.

[Caradoc]

Elephant Story...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully
and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on
its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering
if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He
walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly
the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[DaemianLucifer]

One day,one indian tribe went to their shaman to see what the incoming winter will be like.He starts chanting and dancing and says that the next winter will be freezing,snow will cover everything,animals will freeze to death.So the tribe starts preparing,chopping wood,stocking food.The winter comes,and it passes fairly quickly,and was very mild,with barely a single day with sub zero temperatures.

The tribe goes to the shaman again to ask him what the next winter will be like,and he starts chanting and dancing again.After a bit,he says that the incoming winter will be the worst in millenia,with even flames freezing still.So the tribes starts preparing again,chopping even more wood,and stocking food.The winter comes,and again its a mild one.

The shaman sees how angry the tribe is,and fearing for hes life he goes to the nearby meteorologists to see what the incoming winter will be like,because if he is wrong again,hell be a head shorter.The meteorologists tell him that the next winter will be the coldest one in centuries.Before he leaves,the shaman asks them how do they know that,and they say:

"Well the indians are preparing for it the last two years.Theyve cut down the whole forest"

[berntie]

O.k., here we go. Short and mean, just as we, well, at least as I like it.

German original:

Zwei kleine Kinder geben voreinander an.

1. Kind: "Mein Vater hat sooooo einen Langen"! (hält dabei die Hände ca. 40cm weit außeinander)

2. Kind: "Mein Vater hat keinen so Langen, aber seiner tut auch weh."

Translation (done by myself; hope you can get it):

Two little kids are bragging to each other.

Kid no. 1: "My dad has about the longest ding-dong in the world." (shows a length of 40cm with his hands.)

Kid no. 2: "My dad hasn't got such a long one, but his hurts, too."

[asandir]

????

[berntie]

????

I don't know for sure where your problem lies, but probably that may help you:

Ask yourself: What could the father's "ding-dong" be?

I just couldn't find a better way to paraphrase it.

[ThunderTitan]

I'm pretty sure he understood just fine.... he's just in shock.

[Akul]

Thats not funny.

[ThunderTitan]

Thats not funny.

Actualy it is, in a sick, twisted kinda way....

[Akul]

Thats not funny.

Actualy it is, in a sick, twisted kinda way....

No, its not. I asked Satan few hours ago what does he think about this joke and he says that it is an sick, perverse joke even for him.

[DaemianLucifer]

Thats not funny.

Actualy it is, in a sick, twisted kinda way....

No, its not. I asked Satan few hours ago what does he think about this joke and he says that it is an sick, perverse joke even for him.

Quit speaking for me,Im capable of doing it myself And though quite sick and perverted,I like that kind of humor

[ThunderTitan]

No, its not. I asked Satan few hours ago what does he think about this joke and he says that it is an sick, perverse joke even for him.

Being such a whiny little b*tch is what got him thrown out of Heaven in the first place. Tell him to grow a pair already.

[Akul]

Quit speaking for me,Im capable of doing it myself And though quite sick and perverted,I like that kind of humor

No, not you. I asked Kalah the Prophet. He told me that he hates that joke so much that he will restart berntie's post count. MWUAHAHAHA!!! And he will change your avatar because you like the joke.

[berntie]

He told me that he hates that joke so much that he will restart berntie's post count.

No, please. I'm currently experiencing a great feeling of superiority cos my post count is higher than DL's (and also TT's).

Quit speaking for me,Im capable of doing it myself And though quite sick and perverted,I like that kind of humor

MWUAHAHAHA!!! And he will change your avatar because you like the joke.

To what? To an angel? That would be truly ironical.

[DaemianLucifer]

Ok,lets get this one back on track.

Three women come to market to buy cucumber.The first one comes to the stand and says:"Give me 1kg of those long and thin ones".The second one comes and says:"Give me 1kg of those short and chubby ones".The third one comes and says:"Give me 1kg of any kind,I dont care how they look like,I need them for the salad."

[DaemianLucifer]

You can tell youre living in the 21st century when:

1)You enter your password into the microwave dial
2)You haven’t played solitaire with actual cards in years.
3)You have a list of 15 phone numbers just for three of your family members.
4)You are sending an SMS to a person sitting across the table from you.
5)The reason youre not in contact with some of your friends and family members is that they have no email.
6)You have parked in your driveway,and you are using your cell to tell someone in the house to get out and help you carry in the groceries.
7)Every commercial on TV has a web link in its bottom.
8)Leaving your house without a cell causes a great panic and makes you come back for it.
10)When you get up in the morning you go online even before you make yourself coffee.
11)You nod your head and smile whenever you see:)
12)You are reading this,nodding your head and smiling.
13)You know exactly who youll send this email to.
14)Youre so bussy that you didnt notice theres no number 9 in this list.
15)Youve just checked to see if there really is no number 9 in this list.

[berntie]

O.k., here's another one (not as mean as the last one):

A blonde walks down a street and spots a sign saying "Appartments for rent" pinned onto a street light. She thinks to herself: "Cool, I'm looking for an appartment." She knocks on the street light ... (some people say the joke could stop here) ... no answer. She tries again ... no answer.

A blonde police officer ("officer-ess" to quote the Nazi in Falling Down) watches her trying from the other side of the street. After a while, the officer(-ess) comes over and asks the blonde: "Excuse me, what are you doing? Can I be of any help?". The blonde points to the sign and tells the officer(-ess) that she had been knocking for a while without getting any response. The officer-(ess) looks up into the light and remarks: "Now, that's impossible. Somebody's got to be there. They have the lights turned on."

[Lady Farquad]

(DL)
(I did check for No. 9)

[Vlad976]

6)You have parked in your driveway,and you are using your cell to tell someone in the house to get out and help you carry in the groceries.

Not quite, but I have called the house while parked out front to have someone open the garage. (my car doesn't have a garage door opener)