The Joke Thread

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theLuckyDragon
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Postby theLuckyDragon » Jun 10 2006, 21:58

A man and a gorgeus woman, both driving very expensive cars, in opposite directions, on a road in the middle of nowhere. They have an accident, but both survive without any wounds.They get out of their cars, look at each other for a while, and then the woman says:

"Wow! Look at the cars! They're destroyed! But we survived! This is a miracle!"

The man: " :| "

She continues: "This is miraculous, look at how we survived! This is the will of God! He wanted us to survive the accident!"

The man: " ;| "

The woman: "Just look! We both survived the car crash, without any wounds. This is the hand of God. He wanted us to meet, he wanted our paths to cross..."

Him: " 8| "

Her: "...And look at this: this bottle of wine! It's intact! It must be the will of God: we must drink from this, each a half, to seal our union!"

Him: " :) "

Her: "Go on! Drink! It's the will of God! We're both unharmed, he took care of everything so that we may meet and stay together for ever!"

Him: "OK!"
He drinks half the bottle of wine.
At this point, the woman takes the bottle and places it in the man's car.

Him, partially drunk: "But... aren't you... aren't you... going to drink... your half?"

Her: "Err, no. I'll wait for the police. :devious: "
"Not all those who wander are lost." -- JRRT

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 10 2006, 22:03

Milla aka. the Slayer wrote:I hope that never happens to me :scared:


Don't worry hun, i'm sure he'll lie to you better then that.


Ştrul gets back from the war, and he's unsure how to tell his best friends grandmother about his death. After thinkng it over for a while he decides the best way to do it.
He goes in the house and starts:
- Hey grandma, you know, when me and Iţic were sitting in one of those trenches, you know what was going trough his head?
.....
A bullet THIS big.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 11 2006, 7:23

A man returnes from the army,and his mother is so happy to see him.After he releases from the hug,he says:"Ma,look what I brought back with me!".He takes his machine gun and fires a rain of bullets into the corn field."Oh,my...",is all his mother could say."Thats nothing",he continues,"Watch this!".He takes a bomb from his belt ant throws it into the barn.A big explosion shakes the ground.The mother is speechless."And check this out!",says the son,as he takes the bazooka and fires a rocket into the toilet,sending the wood flying everywhere."Oh,dear son!Your deceased father would be so proud now!"."Deceased?But he was alive when I went to the army!"."Well,he was in the toilet a few minutes ago"

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Pallas Athene
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Postby Pallas Athene » Jun 11 2006, 14:53

ThunderTitan wrote:
Don't worry hun, i'm sure he'll lie to you better then that.


just want to point out that Milla does not fall for the lies guys say.. she is smarter than that :D

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 11 2006, 20:12

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
:devious:

-----------------------------------------------

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Last edited by Xenofex.XVII on Jun 11 2006, 20:34, edited 1 time in total.
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 11 2006, 20:24

In the middle of australia a kangaroo jums around,then suddenly stops and a young penguin emerges from its bag and womits.

In the middle of antarctic,a young kagaroo shakes from the cold.Btween the shakes and coughs,you can hear him say:"Damn this student exchange!"

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 11 2006, 20:42

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

---------------------------------
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some **** ice cream."
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 11 2006, 21:02

An inspector comes to one school and sits on the german class.The teacher writes down a sentence and asks who knows how to translate it.Everyone is silent for a while,when suddenly one boy raises his hand."Lets hear it",says the teacher,and the boy says:"My,this b**ch has some mighty fine a55"."What?!!Such a dirty mouth!March to the principals office this instant!".The boy looks at the inspector and says:"Screw you!If you dont know german,stop whispering!"

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Milla aka. the Slayer
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Postby Milla aka. the Slayer » Jun 11 2006, 21:20

:lolu:

That's the best joke I've ever heard.. :rofl:
This minor magical charm captures the viewer's attention and distra... ooo, pretty...
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Gaidal Cain
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Postby Gaidal Cain » Jun 11 2006, 21:23

People, try to remember that this is a forum that's not only for adults. If the jokes gets dirtier, I'll have to close this thread.
You don't want to make enemies in Nuclear Engineering. -- T. Pratchett

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 11 2006, 21:23

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 11 2006, 21:31

Gaidal Cain wrote:People, try to remember that this is a forum that's not only for adults. If the jokes gets dirtier, I'll have to close this thread.

Ok, ok. I forgot that.

Two of Hittler's spies enter a bar in England.They come near the bar and spoke with no accent than would cause suspition.
"Gin, please"
The bartender asked
"Dry?"
"Nein nein, Zwei"
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 11 2006, 21:45

A blonde calls a tourist agency:
- Excuse me,how long does a flight to hawai last?
- Just a moment...
- Thank you,good bye.

- Hello,is this the number 444-444?
- Yes it is.
- Please call and ambulance,my finger got stuck in the dial.

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Jun 13 2006, 21:55

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 13 2006, 22:10

Caradoc wrote:They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.


But you still own the copyright. And if you gave it away you couldn't sue other people when they want to use it. :devil:
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 14 2006, 6:23

Ok,heres a little joke on my country:

About 10 million people have that luck to live in Serbia.The rest dont have such a luck,but they have everything else.

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 14 2006, 17:49

Lithuania adapts Baseball very slowly. Only the Basteball bats have been adapted yet. :devious:
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 14 2006, 18:01

What do you call 10 dead <insert fav minority, profesion etc> in the river?
A not-to-shaby start.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Postby Vlad976 » Jun 14 2006, 18:27

Falling Down

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Simmons: I think you’re asking me if these computers store all the data on Red and Blue armies?
Sarge: Control Alt Bingo.

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Postby Vlad976 » Jun 16 2006, 18:01

Police Department

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Simmons: I think you’re asking me if these computers store all the data on Red and Blue armies?

Sarge: Control Alt Bingo.


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