The Joke Thread

[ThunderTitan]

2800 BC: A Syrian stone plate from 2800 BC. carries the words: "Our Earth is degenerated in these final days. This is a sign that our world will soon come to an end." This is likely the earliest example of moral decay being interpreted as a sign of Doomsday.

So... how long did the syrian civilization last after that?



Oh, and the Mayans just stopped counting, for all we know things just get really boring after 2012...

[Jolly Joker]

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

"A Troubled User"



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend gifts 2.1, Trips 1.0 and Jewellery 5.0 STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support ...

[Kalah]

I think that's actually been posted before earlier in the thread... oh, well. I've got something here. From "The West Wing", after Donna's been sent to a four-hour seminar with a "life coach", to find some dirt on him.

Josh: "Hey."
Donna: "Huh? Hello."
Josh: "How was it?"
Donna: "I'm sorry?"
Josh: "How was it?"
Donna: [bewildered] "It was...I don't know. It was... I don't... I don't think... maybe I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
Josh: "What was...?"
Donna: "It was a transforming... no, that's the wrong word. We are not "transformed," we "locate the light switch." I own myself, Josh. You don't mind if I say that out loud at frequent intervals with no provocation for a little while, do you?"
Josh: "Why?"
Donna: "Because I live my life out loud."
Josh: "You're reading the book?"
Donna: "The owner's manual."
Josh: "Are you serious?"
Donna: "No, you idiot! I need a shower!"
Josh: "All right."
Donna: "I've got, like, radioactive stuff all over me."

[Pol]

When two men are fishing.

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Unusual men. -
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That had got me!

Another one.


And one more.


And even one more crazy.


And more and more...

[Kareeah Indaga]

._.. ___ ._.. ._._._

[winterfate]

I second what Kareeah has said!

[Pol]

.- .. -. .----. - -.. --- - .-.-.-. ..--..

[winterfate]

Hehe...

[parcaleste]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.


Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?


Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?


Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.


Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:
Why not?


Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?


Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney:
Why not?


Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?


Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"


Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?


Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[ScarlettP]

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do...

[ThunderTitan]

....


What sexual activity is enjoyed by 9 out of 10 people?!













Wait for it.














Wait...

















Gang Rape.






Get it?!

[ScarlettP]

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”

“Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled again.

“Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.”

“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”

“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something ike ‘Sweet Jesus, help me’”.

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus help me.” At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car floating a foot above the ground and in unison exclaimed, “Son of a bitch!”

[ScarlettP]

[Ethric]

What the heck is that? Looks like a pigrat out of Fallout

[Kalah]

A weasel or ferret or something, ain't it?

[asandir]

a ferret woulda been my call

[Kareeah Indaga]

Opossum.

[ScarlettP]

Sorry! I forgot you foreigners are not familiar with 'possums. *shrug* (Opossums - commonly called just 'possums are evil critters that look a lot like big rats. They are North America's only indigenous marsupial. They eat anything, are very bad tempered and frequently are found squished on Southern USA streets in the spring.)

Maybe you'll like this one better:


Thank you!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ...


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their message forums with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!

[Muszka]

I hate those chain-mails... i would penalize those who start them with 1$ for each forwarded letter...

[Kalah]

Yeah, more than 90% of the world's internet capacity, taken up by spam and chain letters...