What's wrong with him? He's smart and funny!ScarlettP wrote:Yep. I wouldn't do Woody Allen if he was paying me 1/3 of his assets.
The Joke Thread
Veldryn 15:15 And Vel found a dirty old jawbone of a walrus and put forth his hand, and took it, and in his unholy rage, he slew thirty four thousand men and children therewith.
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
Woody Allen is short, scrawny, old and likes little girls. Not my type.
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A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog with her cat in tow behind the wagon.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice looking fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's nuts. "Little partner," the
firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go
faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
-------------------
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog with her cat in tow behind the wagon.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice looking fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's nuts. "Little partner," the
firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go
faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
******************************************
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
in the same vein
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the pearly gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER??"
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER??"
******************************************
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
Gamers don't grow old. We just level up.
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TheUndeadKing
- Swordsman
- Posts: 588
- Joined: 04 Dec 2006
- Contact:
Nice thread! And here's my contribution:
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
“Top of the mornin to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those”, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”
And here's my contribution:Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
“Top of the mornin to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those”, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free..." - Michelangelo
nice undead one
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
and a little lame, this one made me laugh though
A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."
A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
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parcaleste
- Pit Lord
- Posts: 1207
- Joined: 06 Nov 2007
- Location: Sofia - Vulgaria
I think it looses something in translation
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
You shouldn't make fun of anorexia. It's a serious disease. Speaking of which, though:parcaleste wrote:OK, all of these Venom anorexia reminded me of one:
- An anoretic (spell?) girl to her anoretic roommate in the morning:
- Please, help me to pick up the newspaper
- I... can't... the sheet... has... pressed me...
Have you ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? They're quite fun, especially when the cake jumps out of the girl...
"What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard P. Feynman
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
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