The Joke Thread

[Veldrynus]

Well, these might be disturbing in the eyes of a computer geek, but this is not what films are about. It is necessary to simplify certain things (also to make it easier to be understood for not high-tech specialists) that are not crucial for the plot.

[Kalah]

Yeah, I especially like how the guys in CSI can set up a fingerprint search in a database consisting of millions of prints and come up with a match after ten seconds.

[ThunderTitan]

So true:

The Rules of the Internet

* Rule 1: Do not talk about /b/.
* Rule 1.1: Do NOT talk about /b/.
* Rule 2: If it's funny, it came from 4chan or Something Awful.
* Rule 3: If you are an idiot, you will be made fun of.
* Rule 4: Nobody cares if you're tough in real life.
* Rule 5: Anonymous does not forgive.
* Rule 6: CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.
* Rule 7: EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.
* Rule 8: It happened At least 100 years ago.
* Rule 9: Brazilian girls will do it for 500 dollars.
* Rule 10: It needs more DESU.
* Rule 11: You will get viruses from downloading pornography.
* Rule 12: Lurk moar.
* Rule 13: It never needed any more cowbell.
* Rule 14: As long as there is internet there will be drama.
* Rule 15: If a camwhore posts, tits must be shown. If this rule is broken, said camwhore must GTFO.
* Rule 16: You must enjoy your AIDS.
* Rule 17: Pool's closed due to AIDS.
* Rule 18: If someone is better than you, they are hacking.
* Rule 19: Lens Flare makes masterpieces.
* Rule 20: You're doing it wrong.
* Rule 21: If your girlfriend ends in .jpg, she is not real.
* Rule 22: Long stories are copypasta.
* Rule 23: Long stories are never read, at any rate.
* Rule 24: Pics or it never happened.
* Rule 25: Everyone sees what you did there.
* Rule 26: Nobody knows the answer to "What is love?".
* Rule 27: Loli haets pizza. No exceptions.
* Rule 28: It's awwriiigghht.
* Rule 29: Do a barrel roll.
* Rule 30: Everyone is gay for Bridget.
* Rule 31: The internet is for porn.
* Rule 32: Everything is a fetish. No exceptions.
* Rule 33: It's a trap.
* Rule 34: If it exists there is porn of it. No exceptions.
* Rule 35 The exception to Rule 34 is the citation of Rule 34.
* Rule 36: Bringing up Nazis is insta fail.
* Rule 37: There are no girls on the internet....ever .
* Rule 38: A cat is fine too.
* Rule 39: One cat leads to another.
* Rule 40: Ceiling cat is watching you fap.
* Rule 41: Saturday is Caturday.
* Rule 42: It is delicious cake. You must eat it.
* Rule 43: Someone would fap to it.
* Rule 44: If it exists, you can buy it online somewhere.
* Rule 45: Snape killed Dumbledore.
* Rule 46: All lasers must be charged before shooping da whoop.
* Rule 47: Nagas stole your bike.
* Rule 48: It will always need moar sauce.
* Rule 49: The internet makes you stupid.
* Rule 50: Anything can be a meme.
* Rule 51: You need E-degrees in E-lawery and E-psychology to be an internet badass.
* Rule 52: THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

[Caradoc]

Yeah, I especially like how the guys in CSI can set up a fingerprint search in a database consisting of millions of prints and come up with a match after ten seconds.

And also the way all the non-matching prints flash across the screen.

[asandir]

indeed, that is always amusing .... nice list TT

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

[winterfate]

Nice jokes guys!

And to keep the cycle going...a weak joke:

10 out of every 2 people suffer from dyslexia.

[asandir]

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

[winterfate]

OUCH!!!



The dad's in trouble if no one knew where he was beforehand.

[asandir]

Sick and twisted baby jokes - beware oh faint of heart


O.K., O.K., We all know dead baby jokes are sick,
but then again laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?


Twisted depends which way you looks at it...
Sure, a dead baby could be twisted. Oh!, you meant us?!?


How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.


What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground!

[Veldrynus]

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

Whahahahahahaha!!!

[Caradoc]

Nice jokes guys!

And to keep the cycle going...a weak joke:

10 out of every 2 people suffer from dyslexia.

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexic Association.

[Mytical]

One of the worse Jokes I have heard, but not the worst...

Bounty Hunter : How much is the bounty on those pirates?
Lawperson : A buck an ear.

[winterfate]

Not that bad...the worst jokes are those that make no sense.

A man is in the middle of Mass (church session), when suddenly he leaves. The priest notices this. When Mass ends, the man arrives again.

The priest asks him: "My son, why did you leave in the middle of Mass?"

The man replies, "I needed to get a haircut".

The priest questions him, "Why couldn't you wait until after I was done?"

The man then replies, "Because I didn't need to get one when you started."

[ScarlettP]

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

[asandir]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[ScarlettP]

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Veldrynus]

That's very realistic.

[Mytical]

Have the 3rd one keep investing until you have enough to buy a private island, a large house, and still have enough spending money for the rest of your life. Then move to the island, since it is in international waters you can make the rules, make it legal for you to marry 3, and marry all 3 *giggles*.

[ThunderTitan]

Or he could marry the one that makes money (better for the divorce) and live with all 3 in a polyamorous relationship. Then he could create Wonder Woman and the lie detector.

[ScarlettP]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."