The Joke Thread

[winterfate]

That was nasty. hahahaha

A woman is prepped up for surgery. When she wakes up, a man with a white robe is standing next to her. The woman asks, "Doctor, how did it go?".
The man stares at her and says, "Two things":

1. I am not a doctor. I am Saint Peter.
2. In response to your question , I'll let you be the judge of that.

Saint Peter points forward. The woman looks and notices the Pearly Gates.

[asandir]

Not bad, but woulda been better if you left the last line off it

[winterfate]

Thanks.

A man is stopped for driving at 120 miles per hour, on the opposite side of the lane. The police officer who stops him asks, "Do you know at what speed you were driving? I'll have to give you a speeding ticket.". The man answers, "Officer, in England, there is no speed limit.

The police officer says, "I'll still have to give you a ticket for driving against traffic", to which the man replies, "Officer, in England, this IS the proper lane".

The officer, rather pestered by the man's obvious attempts to escape the ticket says, "I'll have to give you a ticket for driving with your lights off then".

The man replies, "But Sir, it's daytime over here".

To which the officer replied with a smile, "Yes, but in England it is nighttime!".

[DaemianLucifer]

After a long vacation,the couple prepares to leave the hotel,and the husband goes downstairs to pay the bill.The receptionist does the calculations in front of him:
- Ok...The room and the food,that would be 300$.The phone would be 20$
- But we never used the phone.
- You couldve,it was available to you.Cable TV 30$.
- But we never used the TV.
- You couldve,it was available to youMini bar 50$
- But we never used it.
- You couldve,it was available to you.So it all comes down to 400$.
The man takes out his valet and gives the receptionist 200$ and starts to leave,when the receptionist says:
- Sir,I said the bill is 400$,not 200.
- I know,but I charged you 200$ for shagging my wife every night.
- But sir,I never shagged your wife.
- You couldve,she was available to you.

[asandir]

nice DL

and winterfate, your joke reminded me of another

A drunk man gets pulled over for speeding, driving erratically and going straight thru a set of traffic lights. The female officer sees the man is obviously drunk and starts to arrest him, "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you ...." at which point he interjects with, "Boobs."

[winterfate]

haha. That was pretty good stefan.urlus

[theGryphon]

I love this joke, but I couldn't remember it in full, googled it and copy-pasted it:


Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He
spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. The black bear said
"You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank
decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found
the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This
time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That
was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to
death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to
comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank
finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track
down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a
tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing
there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the
hunting, do you?"

[winterfate]

hahahaha. Good one theGryphon!

A boy is taken to his grandparents' farm during the summertime. Bored, without anything to do...he mulls his existence on a chair until his grandfather comes over next to him with a hunting rifle and says, "Here, take the rifle and the dogs and go hunting".
The boy accepts and returns to the house near nightfall.
The boy says, "Wow, grandpa, that was fun...do you have some more dogs so I can go hunting tomorrow?"

[DaemianLucifer]

- Hey,I heared you got married.
- Yeah.And it was very tough for me to choose my future wife among the girls I dated.
- How so?
- Well,you see,I decided to test which one would suit me most,so I aksed each a question "How much is 2+2?".The first one answered straight away "Easy,its 4.",thus showing that shes smart.The second one said "It depends on the situation.Sometimes it can be 3,sometimes 4,sometimes 5.",thus showing that shes a good philosopher.The third one said "Whatever you say dear.If you say its 3,it will be 3.If you say its 7,it will be 7.",thus showing that she would respect her husband.
- So,which one did you mary then?
- The fourth one,with huge boobs.

[asandir]

haha. That was pretty good stefan.urlus

call me stefan

and those three were all good

[winterfate]

stefan: Thank you!

You know you have become an addict of technology when:

1. You wake up and the first you do is turn on the computer and check your e-mails.

2. You can't forget the last flame war at a forum, but can't remember the last time you talked to someone in person.

3. People you know call you by your screenname.

4. At work, you IM a friend to ask him/her if he/she wants to go out to have lunch.

5. When you go to bed, you activate the cell-phone's alarm so you'll wake up on time.

[asandir]

Old Lady Driving on Highway Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[DaemianLucifer]

An older woman invites four of her friends to come to her one day so they can chat a bit.Because she was forgetfull,she decided to write what she is to do on a piece of paper.So she wrote on a piece of paper serve coffee,serve sandwitches,ask if they are for a game of bridge,and similar thing.When her friends arived,she looked at the paper and served them coffee.After they drank it and chatted a bit,she looked at the piece of paper,and because she didnt cross the first entry,she served coffee again.She has repeated this for three more times.After that,her friends decided to leave,and they all said good bye and made plans to meet again soon.When they went out,one of the friends said:"Poor megy.She became so senile.She even forgot to offer us coffee."

[winterfate]

haha. 119 miles an hour (poor ladies ).

[DaemianLucifer]

Q:Whats the similarity between nurses and corpses?
A:Both make sick men horny

[asandir]

that made me smile DL - you are evil, or maybe I am

[winterfate]

DL: That was low!....haha (funny though).

Three nuns are watching a football game. Above them, there are three men. The men, in a sour mood because their team is losing, decide to pester the nuns until they leave.

The first man says to his friends, "I feel like moving to Miami, there are only 50 nuns there".
The second man says, "Nay, I'll move to Seattle, there are only 30 nuns there".
The third man says, "Hardly, I'll move to Colorado, there are only 10 nuns there".

The nuns had been listening to the whole conversation. One of them turns around and says, in the sweetest possible voice, "Why don't you three go to H***? There are NO nuns there!"

[theGryphon]

Oh my, you'll love this one:

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
f***ed a penguin. Dopey f***ed a penguin. Dopey f***ed a penguin."

[asandir]

I like that one Winterfate

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.

[winterfate]

haha, that was pretty good stefan .

A drinking contest is held at a bar.
Eight men participate.
The first four drop out after 4 mugs of ale.
The next two drop out after 8.
The last two then start staring each other down and keep drinking.
At 15, one of the men tells the other, "Something smells rotten in here; like a dead body or something".
The other man chuckles.
At 17, the man who had made the remark drops out and says, "Wow, you're on your 30th! That much drink will kill you you know!".

The other man laughs and the arm holding the mug falls off.