The Joke Thread

[asandir]

Bah ... add an extra 0 to the numbers and go from there ....

[DaemianLucifer]

Two women had enough of their husbands never taking them out anymore,so they decide to go out by themselves on a girls night.So they dressed in their best clothes,went to some party and had loads of fun and drinks.

On their way home,they started to feel the drinks wanting to come out the lower end( ),and because they didnt want to flash their behinds in public,they decide to go to the near graveyard.After doing the natural thing,and having no toalet paper,one of them uses her underwear to wipe herself and throws them away.The other didnt want to throw her new thong,so she takes them off and puts them in her purse,takes a sash from a near grave and wipes herself.

When they reached their homes,they just passed out drunk on the beds.Tomorrow,their husbands meet and talk:

- Unbeliavable!My wife came home completelly drung and without any underwear!
- You think thats bad?My wife came home completelly drunk,without underwear and with a ribbon in her butt saying "We will never forget you FC arsenal"!

[winterfate]

Three men are waiting to be executed via firing squad and spend their final night together in a cramped cell.

The next day, the first man is placed against the wall. When the commander is about to give the firing order, the man screams, "Earthquake!". The firing squad runs in random directions and the man takes advantage of the commotion to escape.

The day after that, the second man is placed against the wall. taking notice of what the first man did, as the firing squad waited for the order to fire, he screams, "Tornado!", and also escapes due to the commotion.

Finally, they decide to execute the last man, who took note on what the first two did. As the firing squad waits for the order, the man screams, "Fire!".

[asandir]

now that's a good joke!!!

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

[winterfate]

That joke was pretty good !

Three men die in a car crash, and for their bad deeds, go to the dark place (to not say the other word ). Upon arrival, they are greeted by the Devil, who, in a strangely good mood, allows them to escape if they beat him in a game of blackjack.

"The only catch is this, says the Devil, the house will always have a 20, so you'll need 21 ( Blackjack) to win." Do you still want to play?

The first two back down, but the third decides to take a go at it.

The Devil gives the man two cards; the face value of the cards totaling 20.
The man starts to mentally calculate his chances of getting blackjack, which are pretty low, when the Devil interrupts him, "Do you want another card". The man, upon realizing a critical mistake on the Devil's part, says "Of course". The Devil hands him an Ace (worth 1 or 11), so the man gets blackjack.

The Devil lets him go and asks how he did it. Well, I noticed that you had just opened that deck of cards, you gave yourself the 10 and Jack of hearts, and gave me the Queen and King...I assume you know where this is heading.

The Devil lets him go and starts badmouthing his stupidity (aw...i forgot to shuffle).

I made this joke up, btw.

[Mytical]

Not sure if this one has been posted, or even if others will enjoy it as much as I did .

The pope, jesus, and a 3rd person were playing golf. The Pope is up first so he says a quick prayer, hits the golf ball, and the ball lands inches from the hole and drops in cleanly.

Jesus takes his turn next. He hits the golf ball, and the ball lands in the cup precisely in the center.

The 3rd person steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It lands well short of the target. Suddenly a squirel jumps out snags the ball and runs up the nearest tree. A hawk swoops by, grabs the ball and flies off. As it passes the cup the hawk drops the ball and it lands into the cup.

Jesus laughs and comments. "Hey dad, no cheating!"

[DaemianLucifer]

@winterfate
Better use it as a brain teaser question than a joke next time.It is good though.

[winterfate]

A somber man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender pours him the drinks, which the man drinks in under 30 seconds.

The bartenders asks him, "Why are you drinking so quickly?".

The man answers, "You would be drinking like this if you knew what I had...".

The bartender, worried that the man may be sick or something just as grim, asks, "What do you have?".

The man answers, "88 cents".

[asandir]

nice one winterfate!

[DaemianLucifer]

How do they call the elevator in japan?

By pushing the button.

[winterfate]

DaemianLucifer wrote:

How do they call the elevator in japan?

By pushing the button.

I would hope so. Otherwise, that would mean the japanese are even MORE ahead of the technology race than everyone thinks (which, IMO, is not a bad thing).

[asandir]

nice DL

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

[winterfate]

that was good stefan.urlus .

A man so stingy on wasting money that a robber put a gun to his head and said, "Your money or your life!", and a minute later the man was still considering the options.

[DaemianLucifer]

To put this one it the proper thread:

A young japanese guy comes to his mother:
- Momy,I love ping pong.
- You should mary her then,son.

[asandir]

Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

[DaemianLucifer]

Indeed its strange.Both are idiots in my book

[Caradoc]

Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

-George Carlin

[winterfate]

A barber is cutting hair, when suddenly a man appears at the door of his barbershop.

The man asks, "When will you be done for the day?", to which the barber replies, "In about 2 hours". The man leaves, smiling.

The next day the same thing happens, the man asks the question and the barber answers, "In about 2 hours". The man leaves once again, smiling.

The third day this happens, the barber sends his apprentice to find out where the man is going.

It turns out that the man was going to the barber's house.

[ThunderTitan]

“Three times I've been mistaken for Robert Redford. Each time by a blind person.”

I contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.

"Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative."

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

A: The Holocaust.

Q: What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

A: "Get in the car."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar.
The Leprechaun looks around and says: "Saints preserve us! I'm in the wrong joke!"

[asandir]

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"



It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!