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Postby Kalah » Dec 8 2006, 18:54

"Hey Dad would you please stop forwarding lotto requests..." :loll:

zeus@olympus.org: "Lunch next week?" :loll: :rofl:
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Postby asandir » Dec 8 2006, 22:47

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
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Postby Caradoc » Dec 11 2006, 6:30

Programmers may enjoy this: a computer language called Lovecraft inspired by the writings of the famous horror author HP Lovecraft, to maximize the thrill of programming.

Here’s the structure:

* The basic semantic structure is Ruby-like, but only in appearance. Its true nature is far more sinister.

* Lovecraft is, of course, interpreted. And, most importantly, in the past tense.

* You start with a number of threads, as many as you choose to allocate. Lovecraft is a highly concurrent language. The first one is the “Judge”, responsible for managing the rest. However, you can’t ever increase your threads - they will only decrease over time.
o Note that you don’t have to call it the Judge - you can also call it the Magistrate, the Investigator, the Governor, the Constable, the Examiner or the Sheriff - your choice.

* Once a Lovecraft program starts, it will only end badly.
o If a Lovecraft program “reaches the end” it will automatically start back at the beginning, possibly with fewer threads (see below)

* The only variable type is String. And all Strings are automatically encoded in an ancient language (EBCDIC) each time they are set or adjusted. You must run the decoder each time you want to do anything with the String. Note that any errors in the decoding process will cause the contents of the String to become randomized, the various characters leaping into each others’ spaces, combining and separating in a bizarre and apparently random manner.

* Strings are delimited by quotes, but you cannot use quotes inside a string. That would require an escape character, and there is no escape in Lovecraft

* The only logical operator in Lovecraft is the “if_only…alas” operator as in:
o if_only x equaled “5″ i_could_end_this_madness() alas

* There are no For loops, While, Do While or other looping constructs, other than Goto

* The entropic madness of an uncaring and soulless universe causes your variables to “decay” over time, becoming statistically less likely to contain the correct answer the longer the program runs, and the more often you access the variables.
o Note that each character in the String will degrade independently, and the probability of decay is uniform across the length of the String.

* Introspection, or any attempt to debug the variables significantly increases the chance that the variable will decay

* If you no longer need a variable, you can WasSacrificed() it. (Note the use of the past tense). Note also that, unusually, the variable name comes before the command:
o if_only x did_not_equal “42″
+ x WasSacrificed()
o alas
o
o Note also that the more variables you sacrifice, the more entropy will be added to the overall program, increasing the likelihood that other variables will decay, so use WasSacrificed carefully!

* Inevitably, your threads will stop operating properly as the variables decay into meaningless garbage. It is possible for the Judge thread to mark another thread as insane in order to stop it from running. However, as I noted previously, you cannot create new threads - you must continue on with the remaining threads you have. Note also that there is no definitive test of whether a thread is insane or not - the “Judge/Magistrate/Examiner/etc” must evaluate the thread and make a judgement based on its own, possibly unstable state.

* At some point, the threads of sanity will be exhausted, and your program, lurching about erratically, spouting gibberish in EBCDIC must be WasCommited(). Committing a program does not end it - it merely leaves it forlorn and alone, occupying a small cell in your computer’s memory until such day as the great User decides to terminate its Universe forever.
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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 11 2006, 13:18

Ole and Lena are typically Norwegian, and Sven and his wife are Swedish.

Ole, Lena, and Sven are lost out in the freezing wilderness, when they stumble across an Arabian-style lamp.
Lena says "Hey, this looks like one of them Genie-lamps like in the movies!"
So Ole says "Hey, let's rub it and see what happens!" So they do, and a ghostly figure emerges.
"I am the Genie of the North," says the spirit, "and will grant you each one wish. Think carefully now, and choose your wishes."
Lena takes the lamp and says "Well, gee, it's awfully cold here, and we've been lost for days. I really wish I was back home in front of the fire!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" He claps his hands together and Lena vanishes, leaving the lamp on the ground.
Ole then picks it up. "Well, home in front of the fire sounds good to me. I wish I was home with Lena!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" Again, he claps his hands, and Ole vanishes.
So Sven picks up the lamp and thinks for a bit. "Well, it sure is cold here, and I'm feeling a bit lonely out here all by myself. I really wish Ole and Lena were back here with me..."


:devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil:
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Postby Caradoc » Dec 11 2006, 23:38

ThunderTitan wrote:Ole and Lena are typically Norwegian, and Sven and his wife are Swedish.

Ole, Lena, and Sven are lost out in the freezing wilderness, when they stumble across an Arabian-style lamp.
Lena says "Hey, this looks like one of them Genie-lamps like in the movies!"
So Ole says "Hey, let's rub it and see what happens!" So they do, and a ghostly figure emerges.
"I am the Genie of the North," says the spirit, "and will grant you each one wish. Think carefully now, and choose your wishes."
Lena takes the lamp and says "Well, gee, it's awfully cold here, and we've been lost for days. I really wish I was back home in front of the fire!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" He claps his hands together and Lena vanishes, leaving the lamp on the ground.
Ole then picks it up. "Well, home in front of the fire sounds good to me. I wish I was home with Lena!"
Says the Genie, "It shall be done!" Again, he claps his hands, and Ole vanishes.
So Sven picks up the lamp and thinks for a bit. "Well, it sure is cold here, and I'm feeling a bit lonely out here all by myself. I really wish Ole and Lena were back here with me..."


:devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil:


What about Sven's wife?
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Postby asandir » Dec 11 2006, 23:52

who knows!

as for the lovecraft language, that explains a lot about M$ Windows!

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions”
His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately”


A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 12 2006, 0:13

Caradoc wrote:What about Sven's wife?


They already ate her. Donner Party style....
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Postby asandir » Dec 12 2006, 0:16

not sure that fits that joke, maybe something like this:

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 12 2006, 0:38

stefan.urlus wrote:not sure that fits that joke, maybe something like this:


What, you never heard of the Donner Party? They were in the freezing mountains or somewhere.


As for cannibal jokes:

A French woman, an Eglish one and a Nun are captured by cannibals. The Chief gives them a choice: Flap Flap with them or Unga-bunga.

They ask the French woman and she picks Flap Flap, they do the deed, and then let her go.

Next up is the English woman, she hesitates a bit, but in the end she figures it's better then being dead, and they too do the deed.

Lastly is the Nun: "I would rather die then loose my innocence! I'll take the Unga-bunga!" Teh cannibals go wild... they start throwing stuff in the air, make yahoo noises and then start chanting "Flap Flap to the death, Flap Flap to the death." :devil:


Now that's an evil joke.
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 12 2006, 1:19

Ive heared a bit different version where they catch two guys and ask them to choose between unga-bunga or death,so they both die :devil:

Two friends (lets call them joe and jim for no aparent reason) go to war,and after a bit of fighting joe looses an arm and jim looses both his arms,so both are sent home after they recover.After a week or so,joe is so desperate that he has lost his arm so he decides to kill himself.He climbs to the roof and just before he jumps he sees jim dancing in the street."What an idiot I am",thinks joe,"Here I am,ready to kill myself just because I lost one arm,when jim is dancing down there,and he has lost both his arms".So he climbs down,walks to jim and says:"Thanks man.I almost jumped of the roof because I was so depressed,but when I saw you dancing even though you lost both your arms,I decided life is worth living."To this,jim replies:"You would be dancing too if your nuts were itching and you couldnt scratch!"

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Postby asandir » Dec 12 2006, 1:40

Now that's an evil joke.


yes it is, funny though

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son" the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat your mother!"
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Postby winterfate » Dec 12 2006, 5:26

Two men are changing a lightbulb in an office when one of them decides he's had enough. He acts crazy, swinging and flailing like a monkey, until their boss sees him. The boss says, "Poor soul", take a vacation. Don't come back until you're better. That man starts walking out, followed by the other man. The boss asks the other man, "Where are you going?". The other man says, "Sorry, I can't work in the dark".
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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 12 2006, 17:18

stefan.urlus wrote:yes it is, funny though


Then you'll love this one (which i just heard from a female member of the species):
The Duck and her friend the Skunk decide to go out drinking with friends. After getting really hammered the Duck starts screaming: "I don't remember what I am! What's am i gonna do?"
The Skunk replies: "Don't worry, between the 2 of us i'm sure we can figure out what you are!"
- So, you have wings.
- Yes, i do.
- And you have a beak.
- I sure do.
- And feathers.
- Right.
- Well you must be a Duck.
- Yeah, that's it' i'm a Duck. Hurray...
- Yup, you're a Duck... but what am I?!
- Well we can just figure out you too. So, you're hairy, right?
- Looks like it.
- And you have a white streak down the middle.
- That's right.
- And you smell pretty awfull.
- Horibble really.
- Ain't it obvious, you're a ******.


If you don't get it it starts with an V.
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 12 2006, 17:37

We have that one with a reference to a certain nation that isnt quite friendly towards us :devious:

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Postby asandir » Dec 12 2006, 23:05

charming :|

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
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Postby winterfate » Dec 12 2006, 23:15

hehe. That's a pretty nice idea. :devil:

One day God decides to call up Bill Gates, Fidel Castro and George W. Bush to tell them that the world is about to end. Here is how each person broke the news out to their respective communities:

Fidel Castro: My fellow comrades, I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; God exists. The worse news is that he's going to end the world.

George W. Bush: My fellow Americans, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that we were right; God exists. The bad news is that he's going to end the world.

Bill Gates: My fellow supporters, I have some good news and some better news. The good news is that God exists. The better news is that we won't have to upgrade our copies of Windows XP.
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Postby asandir » Dec 12 2006, 23:54

:D

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 13 2006, 1:41

Yeah,but you know that empire state building is ~1000 feet tall? :devious:

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Postby asandir » Dec 13 2006, 1:55

I didn't write the joke .... but who really cares about accuracy in a joke? If it doesn't affect the punchline it's irrelevent IMO :D
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 13 2006, 1:57

stefan.urlus wrote:I didn't write the joke .... but who really cares about accuracy in a joke? If it doesn't affect the punchline it's irrelevent IMO :D


Yet again you forget the geekiness of this forum and its members.Besides,I know a version of that joke that is accurate,so :tongue:


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