The Joke Thread

Light-hearted discussions, forum games and anything that doesn't fit into the other forums.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 27 2006, 2:13

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

and one for the boys, although it's not the best

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Nov 27 2006, 7:48

During a recent local election campaign in Ecuador, a pharmaceutical firm ran the advertising slogan:

"Vote for the candidate of your choice, but if you want well-being and hygiene, vote for Pulvapies."

When the votes were counted, the coastal town of Picoaza, population 4000, had elected Pulvapies – a foot powder – as mayor, and voters in other municipalities had marked their ballots for the deodorant as well.

The national electoral tribunal now is grappling with the problem, and dozens of defeated candidates are threatening to sue the company.
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 27 2006, 8:06

gold!

we should do that everywhere
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Mytical
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Postby Mytical » Nov 27 2006, 8:07

Yes, lets all write in Celestial Heavens for President!
Warning, may cause confusion, blindness, raising of eybrows, and insanity. Image

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 27 2006, 8:17

as a conglomerate, that could be quite a disaster!!! :D
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby Mytical » Nov 27 2006, 8:19

Yep, and going to start a parody thread with this in mind. Seeking people who don't mind laughing at themselves to lend their names. I will do all the work, they just have to be able to laugh at themselves.
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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 27 2006, 8:40

Nice one!But doesnt it belong better in the bizzare news?

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 27 2006, 23:52

probably ....

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Corribus
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Postby Corribus » Nov 29 2006, 18:16

My grandmother sent me this one today, and I thought it was funny:

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed!

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our 'you know what,' we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know how the others do it, but I use the spoon."
"What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard P. Feynman

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Postby asandir » Nov 30 2006, 2:14

that's magic Corribus .... :D

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 2 2006, 14:16

A man goes to store to buy a doll for her daughter,so he asks the salesman how much do the barbie dolls cost:
- Well,you can buy this barbie in a swim suit for $19,99 or you can buy this riding barbie with a horse for $39,99 or fitness barbie for $29,99 or the divorced barbie for $399,99..
- Wait,why is the divorced barbie so expensive?
- Because with her you get kens car,kens dog,kens house,kens yacht,...

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Dec 2 2006, 16:21

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 2 2006, 17:25

You got it backward.... she's ppopular because you buy her friends. :devil:
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asandir
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Postby asandir » Dec 4 2006, 2:00

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Dec 6 2006, 6:42

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 6 2006, 12:09

So much effort for nothing.He couldve just payed for liposuction :devil:

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Dec 7 2006, 18:02

God's inbox:

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Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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Postby DaemianLucifer » Dec 7 2006, 18:13

:lolu: But isnt it better suited for the pointless links?

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Postby Corribus » Dec 7 2006, 18:24

:up: The source of this is this week's Time magazine, just in case anyone is curious. (The computer desktop that was the background was also fairly amusing.)
"What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard P. Feynman

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Postby asandir » Dec 8 2006, 1:48

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.


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