The Joke Thread

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Nov 10 2006, 23:25

( 1 ) Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash-and rinse."

( 2 ) Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

( 3 ) Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids and the cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 13 2006, 4:21

MAGIC!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :rofl: :rofl:

that was a good one Caradoc

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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The Mad Dragon
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Postby The Mad Dragon » Nov 13 2006, 13:53

Brilliance! LOL

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Postby asandir » Nov 14 2006, 0:25

love this one a lot

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 14 2006, 0:52

I remember that one from south park,the barbra streisand episode.

stefan.urlus wrote:A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina.

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Postby asandir » Nov 15 2006, 1:22

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry out a contest to see which of his bats was the best bloodsucker. All the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever of the bat drinks the most blood, will be the winner. The first bat goes out and comes back after 10 minutes, her mouth full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of the whole family". "Very good", said Dracula. The second bat goes out and comes back after 5 minutes, her face covered in blood. Dracula, astonished says, "How did you do that?". The bat replies, " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school, I went in and drank the blood of all the children". "Impressive", said Dracula. Now the third bat goes out and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????", he asked. And the bat replies, "Do you see that tower?", Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't".
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Nov 15 2006, 22:17

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself painfully up onto a stool and after catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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Postby EDN » Nov 15 2006, 23:29

Three peoples survided a run aground on an island.Jack,John and Melissa wanted to live normal and had wonderful sex. But after a year Melissa couldn't live with what she had done so she drowned herself. Jack and John continued with wonderful sex, but after a time neither they could live with what they had done so they chose to bury Melissa... :devil:

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 16 2006, 1:35

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 16 2006, 3:46

Before the great finals of the waterpolo tournament,three of the player get seriously injured and their coach put out an add hopping someone might fill their places.First come a guy in a wheelchair with no legs.
- What the..?How are you supposed to play without legs?
- Simple.With my left hand I swim,with my right hand I shoot.
- Get into the pool and show me.
The guy jumps in the pool,swims around a bit,shoots a couple of excelent shots,and the coach is astonished,so he hires him immidiatelly.Second comes in a guy with no arms.
- Come on,how are you to play waterpolo with no arms?
- Simple.With my left leg I swim,with my right leg I shoot.
- Id really like to see that.Show me.
This guy jumps into the pool,and is even better than the previous one,so the coach hires him as well.Now a guy without arms and legs is beeing wheeled in by a friend of his.
- Ok,you are just being ridiculous now.How the hell are you to play without any limbs?
- Easy.With my right ear I shoot,with my left ear I swim.
- Haha!Id really love to see that!Show me.
So they prep the guy,throw him in the pool,and he sinks immidiatelly to the bottom.After about a minute they jump in and quickly get him out.
- WHO THE F**K PUT THIS CAP ON MY HEAD?!!!!

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Postby asandir » Nov 17 2006, 0:25

for the grammar lovers:

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 18 2006, 7:03

A man wanted to find out if his wive was cheating on him,so he hired a private eye.But because he didnt have much money,he hired a cheap chinese guy.Tomorrow,he receives a letter from the detective:
"MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE.
NO FEE, CHEN LEE"

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 20 2006, 1:06

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Nov 20 2006, 17:59

Jokes
Made by Robots,
for Robots.

BY J. ALEX BOYD

- - - -

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, ****.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 20 2006, 18:12

Two guys open a pharmacy and become very successfull and well known quite fast.But they did it without using any drugs,but just some home made medicine.So the big local drug suplier decides to find out whats their secret so they could eliminate them.So they send a guy to fake an illness and see how they do it.So he comes in and fakes that he has lost his sense of smell.So the one at the counter yells:
- Jim,bring me medicine number 7!
Shortly,jim comes in with a bucket full of sh|t and puts it under the spys nose.
- Man that stinks!
- Youre cured.
Not satisfied with the spies report,they decide to send him to the pharmacy again to fake something else,but send someone as support to him.So the come in and the other spy says:
- He completelly lost his memory,can you cure him?
- Jim,bring me medicine number 7!
- NO!Anything but that!
- Youre cured.

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Milla aka. the Slayer
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Postby Milla aka. the Slayer » Nov 20 2006, 23:02

Imagine they actually used that as medicine. Hypochondriacs would be gone in no time B-)
This minor magical charm captures the viewer's attention and distra... ooo, pretty...
- Dragon Age Origins

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 22 2006, 0:48

Might clear a cold too!! :D

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.


That's just great

and if anyone has ever tried feeding a pill to a cat, this one's for you:

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 22 2006, 1:53

Haha!Excelent one. :rofl: My cats ae real hellaises.Even a vet had to go to stitch his arm after one encounter with one of them :devil: Adorable little angels :devil:

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 23 2006, 2:55

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 26 2006, 15:49

Whats the new HV expansion called in japan?

Americans of Burgers and Coke:Godzilla on Fire :devil:


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