The Joke Thread

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 3 2006, 0:46

A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 3 2006, 10:04

DaemianLucifer wrote:
"Obduction" is also used in reference to autopsy.



Damn, didn't i edit that thing out?! :devil:

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”


[/quote]
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 4 2006, 17:46

Every woman wants a husband that goes on a bussiness trip each week.Every man wants a wife that will believe he goes to a bussiness trip each week :devil:



- Doctor,I think I need glasses.
- Of course you do,this is a bank.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 7 2006, 2:56

Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.

:D
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 7 2006, 20:03

Bear,wolf and rabbit decide to go out and make a barbecue.But when they reached their destination,they realise that they brought the beer,but not the meat.The bear says:"Ill go back for the meat,and the two of you wait for me here.But dont you touch trhe beer or Ill crush you!".After a bit of waiting the rabbit says:"Hey wolfy,lets both have a beer";"Are you crazy?The bear will kill us if he finds out!";"Dont worry,well just drink one each,return the tops and he wont notice".But they got carried away and drank all the beer."Oh crap!",sreams the wolf:"The bear will kill us for sure now!What are we to do?!!";"Relax",says the rabbit."When he comes and asks about the beer,you just shrug and go pffft".After a bit,the bear returns and when he sees no beer he screams:"Wheres the beer?!!".The wolf shrugs and says:"Pfffft!",and the rabbit goes:"Dont you pffft him!Wheres the beer?!"

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Postby Gaidal Cain » Nov 7 2006, 21:40

The bear and the rabbit was out in the woods, and they found a genies lamp. They rubbed it, and out came the genie. "I'm generous today, so I'll give you three wishes each".

The bear thought for a great while, and then said: "I wish that all bears in the forest except for me were females, and they'd all be wanting me"
The rabbit quickly said: "I want a helmet".

The bear laughed, thinking the raabit was a fool with such a useless wish. Then it thought for a great while more, and then said "I wish that all bears in the country except for me were females, and they'd all be wanting me"
The rabbit quickly said: "I want a motorbike"

The bear laughed even more than before, and a fter a great while of thinking, it said "I wish that all bears in the world except for me were females, and they'd all be wanting me".

The rabbit, who by now had donned it's helmet and climbed it's motorbike, started it, and said "I wish that the bear was gay".
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 7 2006, 22:54

A blonde starts working in the police,and gets her period while on patrol.She quickly calls her commander to send her a replacment so she could go and buy some tampons.After three hours,a colleague of hers arives completelly drunk."Where the hell have you been?!And why are you drunk?!",screams the frustrated blond."Dont blame me",says the guy,"But when he heard you got your period,the chief bought us all a drink,then the lieutenant did so as well,then bob,then rick,then the rest of the guys did so as well...."

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Postby asandir » Nov 8 2006, 5:28

After the punch line I was thinking, "That's not funny", then I got it :D

One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"
"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.
"Did God make you?” she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again
she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn’t he.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 8 2006, 10:37

stefan.urlus wrote:After the punch line I was thinking, "That's not funny", then I got it :D


What's to get? Women are 'ho's, the end. j/k
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

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"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

Alt-0128: €


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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 8 2006, 13:21

A little camel asks her mother:
- Mummy,why do we have a hump?
- So that we dont starve on our long jourenies trough the desert sweety.
5 minutes pause,then:
- Ma,why do we have such long eyelashes?
- So that desert sand doesnt get into our eyes.
10 minutes pause,then:
- Mother,why do we have hoofs?
- So that we can thread easilly across the desert sand dear.
5 minutes pause,then:
- What the hell are we doing in the zoo then?!

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Postby asandir » Nov 9 2006, 2:43

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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theLuckyDragon
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Postby theLuckyDragon » Nov 9 2006, 8:19

stefan.urlus wrote:Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.

:D


:lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu:
:rofl:
I've laughed 5 minutes at that! And I still am. Thanks!
"Not all those who wander are lost." -- JRRT

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 9 2006, 8:24

theLuckyDragon wrote:
stefan.urlus wrote:Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.

:D


:lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu: :lolu:
:rofl:
I've laughed 5 minutes at that! And I still am. Thanks!


I was the same after reading it .... and just had to post it here, just one of those great one-liner kinda jokes
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 9 2006, 15:30

Too bad only we nerds get it :devil:

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Postby The Mad Dragon » Nov 9 2006, 15:32

LMAO!!!!

Oh god that was good. I may have to read this entire thread.s

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Nov 10 2006, 2:15

It has some good ones, in amongst some crap jokes as well :D

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 10 2006, 5:43

Not when a necromancers are around :devil:

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Postby theLuckyDragon » Nov 10 2006, 18:53

"Not all those who wander are lost." -- JRRT

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The Mad Dragon
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Postby The Mad Dragon » Nov 10 2006, 19:34

LOL!

Adams family, just awesome.

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 10 2006, 20:57

Ah,the blackest of the humor!I love adams family!


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