The Joke Thread

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Oct 30 2006, 1:53

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
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Postby ThunderTitan » Oct 30 2006, 21:39

This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home.

It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardner, etc. The old man exclaims "That's ours?" St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever." The old man is a little suspicious and says "How much is the rent?" St. Peter says "It is free. After all, this is heaven."

Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golfcarts. St. Peter says "You can play here whenever you want." The old man says "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replies "None. After all, this is heaven." The old man is very impressed.

They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings. The old man says "How many calories?" St. Peter says "None. After all, this is heaven."

The old man gets a look on his face like he is suddenly understanding what heaven is all about.

Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman silly, yelling "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
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Postby asandir » Oct 31 2006, 0:27

ahhhh ... that's a great one!! :D

this one's for Psychobabble!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
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var jokes

Postby ThunderTitan » Oct 31 2006, 9:33

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

*Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet

*Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

*Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

*Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

*Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

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Re: var jokes

Postby DaemianLucifer » Oct 31 2006, 12:07

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

*Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet

*Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

*Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

*Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

*Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”


One of the best jokes ever! :rofl: I always laugh when I see it!

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Postby ThunderTitan » Oct 31 2006, 21:48

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and hereplies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

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Re: var jokes

Postby Kareeah Indaga » Nov 1 2006, 0:40

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”


*snip*

DaemianLucifer wrote:One of the best jokes ever! :rofl: I always laugh when I see it!


And I always like to point out that it never says they went INSIDE the tend. ;) Therefore it is completely possible to miss the fact that the tent is missing at 3:15 in the morning while staring at the sky… :D

It is still fun though.

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Postby asandir » Nov 1 2006, 0:47

:D @TT

that was a great joke!

and a quick one

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
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Re: var jokes

Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 1 2006, 8:56

Kareeah Indaga wrote:And I always like to point out that it never says they went INSIDE the tend.


Well that might give away the joke, and what's the point in that?
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Postby Mytical » Nov 1 2006, 9:00

Heard that joke a bit different but with the same theme. Instead of Sherlock and Watson it was a LT and a sergent on platoon manuvers. Otherwise exactly the same joke. No mention they actually go into the tent or anything either lol. Still a good joke.
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 1 2006, 11:49

Well,the way I heard that joke for the first time left a big impression on me,and I always tell it as dramatic as that(When you finally say the climatic "I deduce that our tent has been stolen",you have to say it in a specific sherlock way)

Anyhow,heres a morbid one:

- Help me doctor,please!
- Sorry,its 19:03,and I work only till 19.
- But doctor,Im dying!
- I said I dont work anymore!
- Please!I have a knife in my back!!
The doctor takes the knife out of his back,and sticks it into the guys eye.
- Go to the optician,he works till 20.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 1 2006, 16:30

Mytical wrote:No mention they actually go into the tent or anything either


You go to sleep in the forest at night without a tent. Then i'll use your body to keep the beers frosty. Ah, thank God for cold fusion...
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 1 2006, 20:09

Depends on the climate actually.Those australian forests seem mighty hot to me.Blazing hot at times even :devil:

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Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 1 2006, 23:16

Well desert climate is actualy colder at night.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
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Postby asandir » Nov 2 2006, 0:35

he did say australian forests, and while down in the forests of Tasmania it does get pretty cold, most of Australia stays pretty warm regardless

and this jokes pretty ordinary

A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 2 2006, 2:42

ThunderTitan wrote:
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”



Oh man,I remember that one!It was a whole sketch,with the soldier saying stuff like "salmon" and "wall" whenever they asked him a question :rofl:

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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 2 2006, 20:25

- Doctor,whats wrong with me?
- I honestly dont know yet.
- When will you know then?
- Tomorrow,after the obduction.

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Postby gravyluvr » Nov 2 2006, 21:08

Why didn't the skeleton stand up to the Vampire in a fight?





.stug eht evah t'ndid eh
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Postby ThunderTitan » Nov 2 2006, 21:39

DaemianLucifer wrote:- Tomorrow,after the obduction.


Now that's one weird joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obduction

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”



An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Nov 2 2006, 21:51

ThunderTitan wrote:
DaemianLucifer wrote:- Tomorrow,after the obduction.


Now that's one weird joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obduction


You really should pay more attention when reading.From the link you provided:

"Obduction" is also used in reference to autopsy.


So :tongue:


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