The Joke Thread

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Dec 12 2008, 12:07

@Kalah: That was clever :D
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Asheera » Dec 12 2008, 15:18

Bill Gates dies. He is now in front of God and God says:

- Because you were a very important man where do you wanna go: in Hell or Heaven?

After a while Bill Gates answer:
- Well, I would like if possible to see how is it in both places.

Done, so Bill Gates goes to Hell. There, lots of fun, cool girls dancing, drinks, music, etc.

After 2 weeks goes to Heaven too. There he saw some angels who were sitting on clouds and singing at harp, in rest kinda boring.

So Bill Gates goes to God and tell him that he would like to go to Hell.

After a month God makes him a visit in Hell. There he finds Bill Gates burning into a boiler.

Desperate Bill Gates says:
- God, look what it's here it doesn't look at all with what I found the first time when I walk in here !!!

And God answers:
- That was just a demo!
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 15 2008, 8:07

that's so old...


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Postby Avonu » Dec 15 2008, 8:51

@Asheera - I heard that but with commercial variant.

@TT
:rofl:

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 15 2008, 8:54

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. S chwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,&nb sp;
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Dec 15 2008, 13:45

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

:D
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby darknessfood » Dec 15 2008, 15:50

A stupid joke just popped in my mind, I make up jokes too you know.

Gordon Ramsay: Where are my seasoned potatoes?Chef did you make them?

Chef: Sorry, I didn't have the thyme for it...

Yeah, I forgot to say that it wasn't great :devil: ...
You can either agree with me, or be wrong...

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Postby Asheera » Dec 15 2008, 16:22

Well I made a very funny joke myself a few months ago, but it's in Romanian and doesn't translate well, it loses the entire point
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Gaidal Cain » Dec 15 2008, 17:51

darknessfood wrote:A stupid joke just popped in my mind, I make up jokes too you know.

Gordon Ramsay: Where are my seasoned potatoes?Chef did you make them?

Chef: Sorry, I didn't have the thyme for it...

Yeah, I forgot to say that it wasn't great :devil: ...


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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 15 2008, 19:35

Asheera wrote:Well I made a very funny joke myself a few months ago, but it's in Romanian and doesn't translate well, it loses the entire point


there is another thread where you can post it in it's original language you know
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

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Postby Asheera » Dec 15 2008, 19:49

Hmm yes you're right, I'm going to post it :D
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 16 2008, 8:18

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Dec 16 2008, 13:20

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

________________________________


Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?

It's referred to as the log scale.

________________________________


3=4

Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Borsuc » Dec 16 2008, 14:08

A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
All humans do is to go to a place, bountiful of nature, and live there. Then the human multiplies and sucks all the wonders there. They move to the next. There is one thing that works the same way as that: a virus.

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Postby Asheera » Dec 16 2008, 14:10

:lolu:
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Kalah » Dec 16 2008, 19:19

The statistician hadn't counted on others like him believing the same, had he... :devious:
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Dec 17 2008, 7:51

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'& nbsp;

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

Alt-0128: €


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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Dec 17 2008, 14:13

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.

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Postby Corribus » Dec 17 2008, 17:17

Asheera wrote: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Too bad you already defined a+b-c as zero, so your last step doesn't work. :tongue:
"What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?" - Richard P. Feynman

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Asheera
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Postby Asheera » Dec 17 2008, 17:38

What's wrong with division by zero?

lol I know, that's why it's in the joke thread
No matter how powerful one becomes, there is always someone stronger. That's why I'm in a constant pursuit of power, so I can be prepared when an enemy tries to take advantage of me.


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