The Joke Thread

Lady Farquad · Unread postby **Lady Farquad** » 26 Jul 2006, 22:46

A company owned a hugh super expensive Cray computer which suddenly stopped working.

So they called an expert systems engineer who came, checked the back of one of the monitors, tighten a loose screw and presto! the computer worked nicely.

The day after the administrator had a stroke when he got the expert's invoice... for $10,000 USD. So he calls him:
"It's outrageous! You thief! Send me a detail cost descriptions 'cause I'm gonna sue you!"

Then He got an email with this:

Tighten one screw ......................................... $0.50
Knowing which one to tighten.....................$9.999.50

asandir · Unread postby **asandir** » 27 Jul 2006, 00:39

HA .... the price of expertise ....

Zombie_Inc · Unread postby **Zombie_Inc** » 27 Jul 2006, 12:43

How do you make a baby stop spinnig? Nail the other hand to the floor.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Mercedes? I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies? A pile of dead babies on top of a live one, who's eating his way out.

A guy walks up to a lawyer:
Guy: "Can I ask you a couple of questions?"
Lawyer: "Yes. Now what's the second question?"

A blonde is having a shower, and she yells to her roomate "Hey, can you give me some shampoo?" and the roomate replies: "There's a whole bottle there!" "Yes, but it says 'for dry hair' and mine's already wet!"

Two blondes find a mirror on the floor. One of them picks it up and says "Man, the girl in this picture looks really familiar..." Her friend takes the mirror, looks at it and says "What are you, stupid? It's me!"

Two blondes meet on two banks of a river. One of them shouts "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" to which the other replies "You already are on the other side, dummy!"

A blonde wants to start a band, and decides to go buy some instruments. She walks up to the clerk and says "Hi, how much for the trupmet and that accordion?" and the clerk replies "the lamp is 5$, but the radiator has to stay here"

That's it for today, you've been a wonderful crowd!!

Lady Farquad · Unread postby **Lady Farquad** » 27 Jul 2006, 14:42

(I prefer the blondes jokes better than dead babies though...)

---
There's a sign at the dentists window:

Tooth extractions rebate!

With Pain........ $200
Without Pain... $100

A costumer with a tooth to be removed comes in and asks if the sign is right. Dentists says so, and they go on with the procedure.

At the first try the costumer cries out in pain and the dentists says:
"Shut up: You complain, You pay more!"

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 27 Jul 2006, 15:07

Zombie_Inc wrote: What's worse than a pile of dead babies? A pile of dead babies on top of a live one, who's eating his way out.

I like this one better:

- Whats worse then 10 babies in a dumpster?
- One baby in 10 dumpsters.

Zombie_Inc · Unread postby **Zombie_Inc** » 27 Jul 2006, 18:46

Yeah, you put that one already. 'Round these parts it's what's worse than ten dead babies on a tree? A dead baby on ten trees.

What's read and runs into walls? A baby with forks in his eyes!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow UNDER his gun!

Little children sleep with superman PJ's. Superman sleeps in Chuck Norris PJ's!!

When Chuck does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down!

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 27 Jul 2006, 18:56

Whats the difference between jurasic park and microsoft?

One is a futuristic park with dinosaurs,in which something went wrong,and the dinosaurs escaped,and all hell broke lose,people started dying,carnage was massive,....And the other is a movie by steven spielberg

Caradoc · Unread postby **Caradoc** » 27 Jul 2006, 22:40

Dead baby jokes can get fairly extreme...

Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with a dead baby?
A: Wiping the blood stains off of your clown suit!

See what I mean...

Q: What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off?
A: Sexy.

How far do you want to take this?

Kalah · Unread postby **Kalah** » 27 Jul 2006, 22:44

That's far enough. Seriously.
*Entering mod mode*

ThunderTitan · Unread postby **ThunderTitan** » 27 Jul 2006, 23:02

Kalah wrote:*Entering mod mode*

Aren't your avatar's eyes supposed to light up or something?

A little boy asks his father about God:
- Dad, is God a man or a woman?
- Both son.
- Dad, is God black or white?
- Both son.
- Dad, does he love children?
- Of course son.
Slightly confuse, the boy asks:
- Dad, is Michael Jackson God?!

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 28 Jul 2006, 05:27

- Dad,was adam married?
- No son.He lived in paradise.

ThunderTitan · Unread postby **ThunderTitan** » 29 Jul 2006, 11:02

DaemianLucifer wrote:- Dad, was Adam married?
- No son. He lived in paradise.

Of course, biting the apple was the first mariagge ceremony.

Sometimes the best jokes aren't jokes:

Misstatements and tautologies

* When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results. ~ Calvin Coolidge (ex-president, discussing the United States economic situation in 1931)

* China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. ~ Charles de Gaulle

* If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave. ~ Gerald Ford

* Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. ~ Gerald Ford

* I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio. ~ Gerald Ford

* If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. ~ Dan Quayle

* There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values. ~ Ronald Reagan

* Wait a minute! I'm not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff. ~ Senator William Scott, during a briefing in which officials began telling him about missile silos

* The proof is the proof, and if we have the proof, then that is the proof, and if it's a good proof it's because it's been proven. ~ Jean Chrétien

* Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God I'm still alive. But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.' ~ Sen. Barbara Boxer

These are the people playing world politics. Heart warming, ain'it.

Political Jokes

* The problem with political jokes is that they get elected. ~ unknown
* The word politics is derived from the word poly meaning many and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites ~ Adrian Hilton (Author of 'The Principality and Power of Europe')

Milla aka. the Slayer · Unread postby **Milla aka. the Slayer** » 29 Jul 2006, 11:38

It seems like anyone can become politicians these days

ThunderTitan · Unread postby **ThunderTitan** » 29 Jul 2006, 12:12

Milla aka. the Slayer wrote:It seems like anyone can become politicians these days

Quoted for truth:

The Dick Cheney shooting incident shows what happens when you put the kids in charge of the kindergarten and let them play with guns. Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo show what happens when you put them in charge of other kids without responsible adult supervision. The Iraq war shows what happens when you put the lunatics in charge of the asylum and let them play with real armies. ~ Letter to the editor, The Age Newspaper (Australia) (20 February 2006)

Lady Farquad · Unread postby **Lady Farquad** » 02 Aug 2006, 14:47

Why did God create Adan before Eve?

- Just practicing to achieve perfection...

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 02 Aug 2006, 15:40

I forgot if this one was there,so:

- Why do elephants wear red socks?
- ?!
- So that they arent spotted when they steal cherries.
- But I never saw an elephant stealing cherries.
- See?It works!

- Why was bruce willis rejected to be the lead in titanic?
- Because he wouldve saved it.

theGryphon · Unread postby **theGryphon** » 03 Aug 2006, 07:36

An army joke:

Q: How many infantries could fit in a truck?
A: One more...

****

In a mental hospital, one of the patients was thinking he was the Messiah. So, he kept telling this to all other patients, and demanded obedience. He was ordering everyone to do this and that. One day after a new patient arrived, the "Messiah" said to him:
- I am the Messiah. So kiss my hand and submit yourself to me.
The new guy looked the man in the face carefully and calmly said:
- I don't remember giving you such a duty...

Zombie_Inc · Unread postby **Zombie_Inc** » 03 Aug 2006, 14:33

How many russians (no offence, this could work with drummers too) does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink vodka until the room starts to spin.

How many guitarists does it take?

100, one to do it and 99 who say he's not doing it with enough FEEL!

theGryphon · Unread postby **theGryphon** » 03 Aug 2006, 16:55

- How many elephants would fir on a car?
- Four. Two in the front seats, two in the rear.

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 03 Aug 2006, 16:59

Three russians are waiting for their interview to become pilots.The first one comes in,and the commision asks him if he is drinking,and he says "Absolutely not".The second one comes in,and when they ask him if he is drinking,he says "It depends.Sometimes I drink,sometimes I dont".The third one comes in,and when he is asked if he is drinking,he says "A bucked of vodka every day".After some time,the first two were rejected,and the third one is accepted.Explanation follows:
- Candidate number one is a liar.Have you ever seen a russian that doesnt drink?
- Candidate number two is indecisive.Either you drink,or you dont.Theres no it depends.
- Candidate number three has a set limit in his drinking.

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