The Joke Thread

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 16 2006, 18:22

A testing for joining the police force:

First candidate:
- Whats 2+2?
- 4.
- Congratulations!Youre hired because of your high intelegence.

Second candidate:
- Whats 2+2?
- 3.
- A bit higher than that.
- 5.
- A bit lower.
- 4.
- Congratulations!Youre hired because you deduct so well.

Third candidate:
- Whats 2+2?
- 5.
- Its a bit lower.
- No its not,its 5.
- Are you sure?
- Yes I am.
- Congratulations!Youre hired because of your stuborness.

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Postby V3N0M » Jun 16 2006, 20:16

TT I can't believe you didn't post jokes with Bula, which is translated Bubble so I'll name him that.

Bubbles' grandparent goes to a fortune teller.
Fortune teller: "You shall be responsible for milions of deaths, ruined lives and destroied houses."
Bubbles' grandfather: "That can not be! I am agood man!"
Fortune teller: "That is what the future tells."

On the way home he sees a kid trapped on a railway and was thinking: "I'll show them all how good I am, I'll save that kid!" Rushes and saves the kid in the last moment just before the train would run over them both. The kid was crying.
Bubbles' grandfather "What is your name child?"
Kid: "Adolf sir, Adolf Hitler"
A wise man once said 'Don't share your wisdom with anyone'.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 16 2006, 21:12

V3N0M wrote:TT I can't believe you didn't post jokes with Bula, which is translated Bubble so I'll name him that.


:devil: :devil: :devil: :devil:

Loses something really important in translation. :devious:
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
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"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 16 2006, 21:28

Ive been telling lots of anti-serbian jokes.Well,this one is different :devil:

An american,a frenchman and a serb are using a public toilet at the same time.The american finishes first,he walks to the sink and starts scrubing for hours like hes going to the surgery.He says to the other two:"I was taught as a kid to wash my hands very thoroughly".The frenchman finishes,walks to the sink and washes his hands with very little water.While drying them he sys to he other to:"I was taught as a kid to conserve water".The serb finishes and goes straight to the door.While exiting he says to the other two:"As a kid,I was taught not to piss on my hands"

@VthreeNzeroM

Good one.But it really makes you think:Should we blame the doctors that saved him in the WWI for what hitler did later?

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 17 2006, 0:29

Not exactly a joke, but funny none the less:

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Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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Postby Milla aka. the Slayer » Jun 17 2006, 15:30

:lolu:
It's nice to see someone's making an effort to collect money :idea:
It's definitely an alternative way of begging..it gets people's attention.
I'd give him money. He looks like a nice man :tsup:
This minor magical charm captures the viewer's attention and distra... ooo, pretty...
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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 17 2006, 15:33

Milla aka. the Slayer wrote:I'd give him money. He looks like a nice man :tsup:


How did that song go?!

"True homeless people are too hungry to be funny." And "There's no sex in the champaign room". Words to live by.... :devil:
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

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V3N0M
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Postby V3N0M » Jun 17 2006, 17:04

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I love this one I'll try to find one with a begger I know.
A wise man once said 'Don't share your wisdom with anyone'.

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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 19 2006, 15:39

There has been a shipwreck,and a single priest stays alone on the sinking boat.A boat crowded by frenchmen passes by,and they yell to him:"Come on father,get into the boat.We can all squeeze in".But the priest says:"Thank you my children,but I dont want to bother you.God will save me".The boat sinks even deeper,when a boat crowded by americans passes by,and they yell to him:"Come on father,get into the boat.We can all squeeze in".But the priest says:"Thank you my children,but I dont want to bother you.God will save me".The water already envelops the breast when a boat crowded by germans passes by,and they yell to him:"Come on father,get into the boat.We can all squeeze in".But the priest says:"Thank you my children,but I dont want to bother you.God will save me".And so the priest drowns.He comes to heaven,stands in front of the God and says:"Oh lord,I served you with my every breath!Why didnt you save me?".And the God says:"What are you talking about?Ive sent you three boats,and you didnt board a single one of them"

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Postby theLuckyDragon » Jun 19 2006, 15:45

The attractions on a ship were a very intelligent parrot and a very talented magician. Everytime the magician did a trick, the parrot would laugh out loud and tell the audience how it was done. Hide the coin behind one's ear? Simple as pie. Pull a rabbit out of the hat? Pfft. Cut a woman in half? Ha, child's play.

One fine day, the ship is hit by an iceberg and the only survivors are the parrot and the magican... After days and days of drifting aimlessly, the parrot says to the magician with a cranky tone: "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
"Not all those who wander are lost." -- JRRT

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 19 2006, 15:54

A salesman,a secretary and their boss go out to lunch one day.On their way to the restaurant,the notice an interesting looking lamp in the window.They buy it and decide to clean it a bit.After a few rubs,a genie appears and says:"Thank you for freeing me.As a reward,Ill grant each of you a single wish".The salesman blurps out first:"I want to go to bahamas,to sunbathe,drink,drive the scooter and make love with the beautiful women for the rest of my life".As soon as he says that,he disappears.Still eyes wide open,the secretary says:"I want to be on hawai for the rest of my life,drinking,making love with handsome guys and not having a single worry for the rest of my life".She disappeares as well,and the genie says to the boss:"And whats your wish sir?".The boss looks at him calmly and says:"When the lunch break is over,I want those two back at work".

The morale of this story is:Always let your boss speak out first.

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Postby Vlad976 » Jun 19 2006, 16:08

New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
------------------------------
Blonde Lottery

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Last edited by Vlad976 on Jun 19 2006, 16:13, edited 1 time in total.
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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 19 2006, 16:11

A guy walks into a store to buy a dog.He walks to a nice looking puddle and asks:
- How much for this one?
- $1000
- Why so much?
- Well you see,shes a decendant of a prize winning pudle.
- Ok,how much for this chihuahua
- $5000
- Wow!Why so much?
- Well,his father was a silver meddal winner in a beauty contest,immidiately after his mother.
- Fine,how much for this mut?
- $10000
- What?!You must be joking!It has just one eye,its filthy and it limps!
- Ah,but its a special kung-fu dog.
- Kung-fu?What does that mean?
- Watch
The salesman pulls the mut out of the cage,goes outside and says:
- Kung-fu tree!
The mut jumps on the tree,and in a matter of seconds,the tree is completely gone.The salesman says:
- Kung-fu rock!
The mut jumbs on a nearby boulder and in a matter of seconds,turns it into a pile of dust.Amazed by this,the guy immidiatelly buys the dog.On his way home he meets a friend,and the friend asks him:
- Where did you get that mut?
- I just bought it.
- Really?Bought it?How much did you pay?
- $10000
- What?Now youre officially insane!
- But its not an ordinary dog!Its a kung-fu dog.
- Yeah,right!Kung-fu my a55!

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Postby Xenofex.XVII » Jun 20 2006, 19:16

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The text says: "Don't be afraid to argue with the policemen"
It is time to stop believing and start understanding. - Rael

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 20 2006, 19:27

Im so familiar with that.Though its a bit bloodier here.At least it was.Todays police are just a bunch of pussies with no power.

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Postby ThunderTitan » Jun 20 2006, 20:19

New York Crazy Laws
# The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

# Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

# A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

# A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

# While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

# A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

Carmel
# A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

Greene
# During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

New York
# Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

# Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

# It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

Ocean City
# It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

Staten Island
# It is illegal for a father to call his son a "******" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

# You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!

I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti

Alt-0128: €


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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 20 2006, 20:30

ThunderTitan wrote:You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand


Well this one is...Umm...Weirder then the rest.

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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Jun 21 2006, 4:47

In the US it is a FELONY to take off your clothes in an airport.
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Jun 21 2006, 5:27

# The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


that's just gold!!!

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DaemianLucifer
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Postby DaemianLucifer » Jun 22 2006, 14:37

Three pregnant women are waiting at the ginecologyst for the ultra sound.The first one says:"Im sure to give bith to a male child since I was under my husbend when we made it".The second one says:"Im sure to give bith to a female child since I was overr my husbend when we made it".The third one says:"Oh,no!Ill give birth to a dog!"


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