The Joke Thread
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ThunderTitan
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Nah, just give them to a hobo... someone needs to be punished after all.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
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winterfate
- Round Table Hero
- Posts: 6191
- Joined: 26 Nov 2006
- Location: Puerto Rico
...and the advisor completely misses the point!
Nice one Caradoc!
The Round Table's birthday list!
Proud creator of Caladont 2.0!
You need to take the pain, learn from it and get back on that bike... - stefan
Sometimes the hearts most troubled make the sweetest melodies... - winterfate
Proud creator of Caladont 2.0!
You need to take the pain, learn from it and get back on that bike... - stefan
Sometimes the hearts most troubled make the sweetest melodies... - winterfate
Maybe the woman that has given too much information after all. 
She could have said: "I went out and had some problems with the car, then, when I got back...blublublublub...Could you help me make my husband a man again?". 
She could have said: "I went out and had some problems with the car, then, when I got back...blublublublub...Could you help me make my husband a man again?". "There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2. 
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ThunderTitan
- Perpetual Poster
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Nope, she gives great advice: "Pretend it never happened!"winterfate wrote:
...and the advisor completely misses the point!
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
strike a cord Gravy? 
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
Girls, forgive me about this one, will you?
A man was dancing for a woman at the hotel, in a strip-tease motion. Whenever he took off a piece of clothing, she cried: "Take them off, and make me feel like a woman!"
So, he took off his shirt, shoes ("Make me feel like a woman!), pants, underwear ("NOW! Come and make me feel like a woman!").
He stares at her saying: "Take them and go washing, woman."
So manly... 
A man was dancing for a woman at the hotel, in a strip-tease motion. Whenever he took off a piece of clothing, she cried: "Take them off, and make me feel like a woman!"
So, he took off his shirt, shoes ("Make me feel like a woman!), pants, underwear ("NOW! Come and make me feel like a woman!").
He stares at her saying: "Take them and go washing, woman."
So manly... "There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2.
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The Mad Dragon
- Round Table Hero
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- Joined: 06 Nov 2006
- Location: Chatham, Ontario, Canada
Ok, here's one of those "here's your sign" jokes.
Me and a cousin of mine went huntin'. We ended up catchin a deer. On our way back we stopped by this little gas bar. We stopped by to fill up when this blonde haired female attendant comes out. She looks in the back and says "You didn't kill that deer, did ya?".
Me and my cousin both looked at each other. My cousin who was quicker than I am replied;
"No ma'am. We were driving along when this deer jumped in the back, handed me this letter, then grabbed my gun and shot himself."
Here's your sign
Me and a cousin of mine went huntin'. We ended up catchin a deer. On our way back we stopped by this little gas bar. We stopped by to fill up when this blonde haired female attendant comes out. She looks in the back and says "You didn't kill that deer, did ya?".
Me and my cousin both looked at each other. My cousin who was quicker than I am replied;
"No ma'am. We were driving along when this deer jumped in the back, handed me this letter, then grabbed my gun and shot himself."
Here's your sign
Panda Tar wrote:Girls, forgive me about this one, will you?
A man was dancing for a woman at the hotel, in a strip-tease motion. Whenever he took off a piece of clothing, she cried: "Take them off, and make me feel like a woman!"
So, he took off his shirt, shoes ("Make me feel like a woman!), pants, underwear ("NOW! Come and make me feel like a woman!").
He stares at her saying: "Take them and go washing, woman."
Yep. That's how life is perfect.
Veldryn 15:15 And Vel found a dirty old jawbone of a walrus and put forth his hand, and took it, and in his unholy rage, he slew thirty four thousand men and children therewith.
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Jolly Joker
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This one is cool:
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
ZZZzzzz....
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The Mad Dragon
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haha good one JJ
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Mytical theory of deevolution (a parody).
Millions of years ago on another planet there was a group of very intelligent beings who were very very advanced. Some of their numbers, however, got tired of being able to just materialize things with their minds. So they created a vaction spot called earth. They made it very nice, but so that their abilities would not work while they were on it. Leaving all their technology behind, they would come for awhile, then a machine on their home planet would transfer them back.
One day, the machine stopped working, trapping them on the primitive planet. Now they were still working on doing things for themselves, so they had a rough time adapting. Some of them 'devolved' after many generations in to what we know as Homo Sapiens, some even devolved farther into monkeys. Eventually however, they started adapting and making their way back to what they started as. This has been a long process, taking millions and millions of years. We did not evolve from monkeys, monkeys devolved from us. This explains why cities like fabled Atlantis, and other marvels that could not be explained before were possible. Not all devolved and not all at the same rate.
This theory can explain everything evolution can, and more. This has been a parody brought to you by Mytical.
Millions of years ago on another planet there was a group of very intelligent beings who were very very advanced. Some of their numbers, however, got tired of being able to just materialize things with their minds. So they created a vaction spot called earth. They made it very nice, but so that their abilities would not work while they were on it. Leaving all their technology behind, they would come for awhile, then a machine on their home planet would transfer them back.
One day, the machine stopped working, trapping them on the primitive planet. Now they were still working on doing things for themselves, so they had a rough time adapting. Some of them 'devolved' after many generations in to what we know as Homo Sapiens, some even devolved farther into monkeys. Eventually however, they started adapting and making their way back to what they started as. This has been a long process, taking millions and millions of years. We did not evolve from monkeys, monkeys devolved from us. This explains why cities like fabled Atlantis, and other marvels that could not be explained before were possible. Not all devolved and not all at the same rate.
This theory can explain everything evolution can, and more. This has been a parody brought to you by Mytical
.Warning, may cause confusion, blindness, raising of eybrows, and insanity. 
Nice theory. 
Now, a bit of Chuck Norris stuff:
Last Year, Chuck Norris bumped into a stone. He threw that away and hit somewhere. Now, It's known as future Eta Carinae's supernova.
When Chuck Norris speaks, everybody listens. And dies.
The last person Chuck Norris will ever kill is Bruce Willis, only because he dies hard. (har-har-har
)"There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones." Cave Johnson, Portal 2.
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The Mad Dragon
- Round Table Hero
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- Location: Chatham, Ontario, Canada
yet so funny!
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.
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