The Joke Thread

Light-hearted discussions, forum games and anything that doesn't fit into the other forums.

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ScarlettP
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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 27 2007, 2:18

:lolu:

-----------------

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally **** in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
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asandir
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Postby asandir » Mar 27 2007, 2:20

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Milla aka. the Slayer
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Postby Milla aka. the Slayer » Mar 27 2007, 10:37

Very disturbing Scarlett 8|
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EDN
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Postby EDN » Mar 27 2007, 10:40

Fun both of them :lol:

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ScarlettP
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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 27 2007, 22:28

Terrorist Alert Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "invade its neighbors" and "lose".
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Postby Infiltrator » Mar 27 2007, 23:32

Pf, I don't necessarily agree on the above.. especially about the Germans and the "lose" part.. sure they lost, but odds were heavily against them (thankfully).

But let me contribute with a mildly dirty one. So don't forget I warned - any of the female or feint-hearted audience :baby:

Mujo is sitting on the WC taking a dump and really doing an effort:
- UFFFFFFFF, MMMMMMMMMMM, UFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Suddenly, the electricity goes out and he's like:
- AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! HEEELP!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
His wife, Fata, comes up and says:
- Mujo my dear what are you yelling for??
Mujo:
- Thank God, I thought my eyes fell out..

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Postby Omega_Destroyer » Mar 27 2007, 23:37

ScarlettP wrote:Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
And the chickens. Those damn chickens.

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asandir
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Postby asandir » Mar 28 2007, 2:31

nice work Letty :D

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby Veldrynus » Mar 28 2007, 7:34

ScarlettP wrote:Terrorist Alert Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.


These were good, the last two became boring.
Veldryn 15:15 And Vel found a dirty old jawbone of a walrus and put forth his hand, and took it, and in his unholy rage, he slew thirty four thousand men and children therewith.

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Postby theLuckyDragon » Mar 28 2007, 7:39

ScarlettP wrote:Terrorist Alert Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


HA HA HA HA HA !!! :rofl: :lolu: :loll: :lolu: :rofl: :lolu: :loll:
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Postby Kalah » Mar 28 2007, 9:14

Reminds me of this true story of something that happened during the blitz in London...

A German bomb had fallen and knocked a big hole in the wall of a shop. The next day the shopkeeper arrived to open his shop and he saw the hole in the wall. Immediately he opened the shop and put up a sign saying:

"More open than usual".
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

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Postby asandir » Mar 29 2007, 3:19

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Human madness is the howl of a child with a shattered heart.

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Postby winterfate » Mar 29 2007, 4:49

:lolu:

And he's STILL at home? :D
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Postby asandir » Mar 29 2007, 8:35

of course, he's a school principal
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ScarlettP
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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 29 2007, 12:04

Sounds like someone doesn't watch "The Simpsons"

(Principal Skinner still lives with his mom.)
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Postby ThunderTitan » Mar 29 2007, 12:21

stefan.urlus wrote:of course, he's a school principal


weird, my grade school principal was a drunk that slept with at least one teacher... everyone used to love his class, when most of us played quake at the local i-caffee.
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Caradoc
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Postby Caradoc » Mar 30 2007, 4:06

Leadeth me not into temptation...

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Postby ScarlettP » Mar 30 2007, 10:33

:hoo: Oh! That's a GREAT advertising snafu. I gotta repost that on my other forum.
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Postby Corribus » Mar 30 2007, 13:00

Now that's funny. :lolu:
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Postby Caradoc » Mar 30 2007, 20:57

Jesus loves the little children..

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