I am writing a book

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Mihaitza
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I am writing a book

Unread postby Mihaitza » 02 Mar 2015, 20:24

Hello guys. I want to share a little some thing with you all. For the past fifteen years I have worked on my book. I don't always have much free time, but I never gave up on my dream, and hope to live the day when it will become a reality.

It's hard however to work in secret. Accomplished artists may not require the opinion of amateurs, but this is not the case of a fledgling writer. So I want to share a polished excerpt from my book with you. A similar thread has already been opened at Heroes Community, but, unfortunately, it has failed to connect with it's audience.

Any opinion, positive or otherwise, would be greatly appreciated. It is very important to me to know there is somebody out there who cares.

Thanks.


Chapter 1
The Departure of Roaturi

Dantu sped on up the hill. Every now and again he bent to the ground. Croatians go light, and their footprints are not easy even for a Ranger to read, but not far from the top a spring crossed the path, and in the wet earth he saw what he was seeking.

'I read the signs aright,' he said to himself. 'Luka ran to the hill-top. I wonder what he saw there? But he returned by the same way, and went down the hill again.'

Dantu hesitated. He desired to go to the high seat himself, hoping to see there something that would guide him in his perplexities; but time was pressing. Suddenly he leaped forward, and ran to the summit, across the great flag-stones, and up the steps. Then sitting in the high seat he looked out. But the sun seemed darkened, and the world dim and remote. He turned from the North back again to North, and saw nothing save the distant hills, unless it were that far away he could see again a great bird like an eagle high in the air, descending slowly in wide circles down towards the earth.

Even as he gazed his quick ears caught sounds in the woodlands below, on the west side of the River. He stiffened. There were cries, and among them, to his horror, he could distinguish the harsh voices of Zorgs. Then suddenly with a deepthroated call a great horn blew, and the blasts of it smote the hills and echoed in the hollows, rising in a mighty shout above the roaring of the falls.

'The horn of Roaturi!' he cried. 'He is in need!' He sprang down the steps and away, leaping down the path. 'Alas! An ill fate is on me this day, and all that I do goes amiss. Where is Adrijan?'

As he ran the cries came louder, but fainter now and desperately the horn was blowing. Fierce and shrill rose the yells of the Zorgs, and suddenly the horn-calls ceased. Dantu raced down the last slope, but before he could reach the hill's foot, the sounds died away; and as he turned to the left and ran towards them they retreated, until at last he could hear them no more. Drawing his bright sword and crying Šubic! Šubic! he crashed through the trees.

A mile, maybe, from Gornja Dubrava in a little glade not far from the lake he found Roaturi. He was sitting with his back to a great tree, as if he was resting. But Dantu saw that he was pierced with many black-feathered arrows; his sword was still in his hand, but it was broken near the hilt; his horn cloven in two was at his side.

Many Zorgs lay slain, piled all about him and at his feet.

Dantu knelt beside him. Roaturi opened his eyes and strove to speak. At last slow words came. 'I tried to take the Ring from Luka,' he said. 'I am sorry. I have paid.' His glance strayed to his fallen enemies; twenty at least lay there. 'They have gone: the Slavs: the Zorgs have taken them. I think they are not dead. Zorgs bound them.' He paused and his eyes closed wearily. After a moment he spoke again.

Farewell, Dantu! Go to Novi Zagreb and save my people! I have failed.'

'No!' said Dantu, taking his hand and kissing his brow. 'You have conquered.

Few have gained such a victory. Be at peace! Novi Zagreb shall not fall!'

Roaturi smiled.

'Which way did they go? Was Luka there?' said Dantu.

But Roaturi did not speak again.

'Alas!' said Dantu. 'Thus passes the heir of Tomislav, Lord of the Tower of Guard! This is a bitter end. Now the Company is all in ruin. It is I that have failed. Vain was Abracadabrix's trust in me. What shall I do now? Roaturi has laid it on me to go to Novi Zagreb, and my heart desires it; but where are the Ring and the Bearer? How shall I find them and save the Quest from disaster?'

He knelt for a while, bent with weeping, still clasping Roaturi's hand. So it was that Ghe and Radú found him. They came from the western slopes of the hill, silently, creeping through the trees as if they were hunting. Radú had his axe in hand, and Ghe his long knife: all his arrows were spent. When they came into the glade they halted in amazement; and then they stood a moment with heads bowed in grief, for it seemed to them plain what had happened.

'Alas!' said Ghe, coming to Dantu's side. 'We have hunted and slain many Zorgs in the woods, but we should have been of more use here. We came when we heard the horn – but too late, it seems. I fear you have taken deadly hurt.'

'Roaturi is dead,' said Dantu. 'I am unscathed, for I was not here with him. He fell defending the croatians, while I was away upon the hill.'

'The croatians!' cried Radú 'Where are they then? Where is Luka?'

'I do not know,' answered Dantu wearily. 'Before he died Roaturi told me that the Zorgs had bound them; he did not think that they were dead. I sent him to follow Misha and Mladen; but I did not ask him if Luka or Adrijan were with him: not until it was too late. All that I have done today has gone amiss. What is to be done now?'

'First we must tend the fallen,' said Ghe. 'We cannot leave him lying like carrion among these foul Zorgs.'

'But we must be swift,' said Radú. 'He would not wish us to linger. We must follow the Zorgs, if there is hope that any of our Company are living prisoners.'

'But we do not know whether the Ring-bearer is with them or not,' said Dantu.

'Are we to abandon him? Must we not seek him first? An evil choice is now before us!

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Kalah
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Unread postby Kalah » 02 Mar 2015, 20:32

Hi. :wave:

A small piece of advice is to write an abstract first, so people can easily get into the story.
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.

mr.hackcrag
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Unread postby mr.hackcrag » 04 Mar 2015, 19:10

Yeah, out of context, it's kind of hard to follow. There were a lot names, but not much attachment to them made it less meaningful.

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wimfrits
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Unread postby wimfrits » 05 Mar 2015, 22:25

It's an excerpt from a fantasy novel, so I can respect that there are many new names and phrases that are unfamiliar :)

I also think it's brave to share something you have kept secret for so long.

Some comments that come to mind:
- for a running start of a story, I think there could be more descriptive text to make the reader a bit more at ease. See for example Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson that forces the reader to either hit the ground running or put away the book
- overall I think the writing is nice to read
- some events lack credibility. If the attackers have retreated until Dantu can hear them no longer, why would he crash through the trees yelling a battle cry? Roaturi is drawing his final breaths but is still speaking in full sentences..
- the story has some resemblance to Boromir's final stand ;)
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

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Banedon
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Unread postby Banedon » 07 Mar 2015, 04:15

Didn't read everything closely (sorry about that, but these days I don't particularly like this kind of story). Nonetheless two thoughts:

1) You write quite fluently, although - and I don't mean to be harsh - I don't find it to be anything special. The unfortunate fact of life these days is that it's hard to get a publisher to be willing to publish a book if the author is unknown. You may have to self-publish, in which case getting an audience (i.e. wide circulation) would still be hard.

2) You probably don't want to use 'croatians'. Croatia is a real-life country. In the same way 'Nova Zagreb' may or may not be referring to Croatia's real-life capital, Zagreb. Be careful with the real-life parallels people may draw!
I'm a hypocrite because I suggested that all life is sacred and should not be wasted without good reason.

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Groovy
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Unread postby Groovy » 20 Mar 2015, 06:42

It felt very odd for me personally, reading a story written in English, but full of Croatian names. Had it been about some other country (I'm from Croatia), it probably wouldn't stick out so much.

I'm curious what the story is about (there are definite parallels with The Lord of the Rings). I'm asking because I'd like to know how you've managed to keep it coherent over a fifteen-year period. I was working on a four-part fantasy saga many years ago, but abandoned it halfway through the second novel because my views on life and the story I was trying to tell had shifted so much that I could no longer relate to what I had written earlier.


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