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Interview with the Super-Peasant
Behind every screenshot is a terrible story of cruelty and shame.
I managed to find the very same peasant who was pictured, and he had
a different tale to tell.
Peasant: Oooo, arrr, innit, me back, innit, potatoes and
Me: Er... That made no sense.
Ah, sorry. It's the peasant talk. Makes me real popular with
the ladyfolk, hur, hur, hur, oo, arrr, et cetery.
How very... nice. So, you wanted to talk to me about something? Or
did you just grab hold of my shoe for another reason?
That's right, guv, that's right, me lordship, I 'ave got wot we
in the peasant industry term 'a story'. Now, you going to listen to
it while I fetches you a right bowl of maggot stew?
You know, I already ate three bowls of maggot stew. I couldn't
possibly have any more. Really.
like maggot stew. Now, where wos I? Oh, yes, the story. Yes, sir, the
story. See, 'ere I was, tilling the fields, ploughing the corn,
harvestin' the cows. That's right. An' there I was when this great
big duffer wot with big wings comes landin' in my cabbage.
I'm sure that was surprising.
Ah, well, you'd think so, wouldn't yer? But given that I'm
quite partial to maggot stew, I thought it were one of them
whatchersies, allucy-nations. Things that aren't really there,
yerknow? Like mirages and professional wrestling.
Anyway, because I'm a right friendly chap, I tried to make
polite converwhatsit. I tried to talk to him. So I says, 'Good
morning, Mr. Allucynation. Whatchoo doin' on my best cabbage?' And
you know wot he said?
I can't imagine.
'Is that a cabbage? I thought it were a turnip!'
Is there a joke in that somewhere?
Afraid not, but it scared the right blinkers out of me, oo,
arrr, yes. Fell over in the mud. Which ain't particularly strange
given that I happen to live in the stuff.
That explains a lot.
Doesn't it just. Anyway, I says to him, 'You is real!' And he
looked at me mighty surprised like, as if he thought I were an idiot,
or something. Ain't that just the darndest thing.
I have no idea how he got that impression. You're so intelligent
I can count to four, you know. Anyhow, I decided to pass time
with this guy and all this time he's watching somebody over me
shouder. Ventually I turn around and see this creepy lady in a red
wig wot is sort of sneakin' up on me.
I bet that happens a lot around these parts.
Well, no, strangely enough it don't. I hails her and says
'Howdy mornin'! Whatchoo doin' in my pumpkin patch, missus?'
No, no, let me guess. She said 'Is this a pumpkin? I thought it
was a turnip!'
Hm. Anyway, she gives me a smile and is right ladylike right up
to the point that she grabs me in a vice-like grip and starts castin'
spells on me.
Me muscles start bulgin', like, like when you fill a sock with
cold porridge. And my feet start tinglin' and my eyes start wrigglin'
and I feel like there's a snake curling up me spine.
The big wing chappy looks kind of surprised, and he says in his
snooty voice, ''Old there, varlet woman, whatchoo think yer doing to
this... nobbley peasant man?'
What did she say?
Strangest thing I ever 'eard. She says 'I'm trying to make a
screenshot for Celestial Heavens. I'd rather you didn't get in my
way, as this is going to be a very amusing picture of a peasant
killing an angel.'
What did it mean?
Buggered if I know. The big feathery guy looked kind of
surprised too, and she was still clutching on to me muttering
mumbo-jumbo and higgedly-hoodle--
--shut up, shut up, I'm tellin' the story. Anyway, the big
feathery guy says, 'Beg your pardon?' And she looks at 'im as if he's
daft, and says, 'Don't you realise that as a level four unit the
concept of a level one unit attacking you and winning would be seen
as remarkable and thus proper material for a Screenshot of the Day?'
Don't skip back to me just yet. I haven't got anything to say.
Sorry. Anyway, the angel bunched up a fist -- 'cos by now I'd
guessed he was an angel, see -- and says 'Who are you calling a Level
Four Unit? Can't you tell I'm an angel? And that there is no Level
One Unit, that's a humble peasant!'
Well, there was no call for him to go callin' me humble, was
there? I forgot how big he was and just let fly, smackin' him right
on the gob! He went flyin', I tell you, flyin' for miles, and the
whole time the creepy lady was cacklin' as if it were the funniest
thing wot she ever seen!
You killed him?
Aye! Weren't no call for him to call me what 'e did!
You don't actually know what humble means, do you?
Er, no, not in so many words. It is a bad word, right?
No... not really. In fact some people would consider it a
Really? Well... er... I've got to go water the turnips, thanks
for stoppin' by, and if you ever need to collect some taxes I've left
the bag over there by the carrots.
So there you have it. The truth behind the screenshot in all its
terrible detail. Perhaps now we can learn to understand, and even
revere, the humble peasant-- ouch! OUCH! Stop it--
Fate of a Peasant
all know and love the Super Peasant. I recently recently visited his
hovel and couldn't see him anywhere. There was, however, one thing
that seemed slightly out of place.
Me: Uh... have you
seen a peasant anywhere?
Dragon: Why, no. I can't say I have.
sure that's his shoe on your lower fang. The really, really big fang.
The one right there. With the shoe.
What a coincidence. I
merely have it there for... decoration. Mwahahahaha!
did you laugh like that?
Because I can. Mwahahahaha!
I know. Are you going to insist on
bothering me? I'd rather be left alone.
Well, while I'm
talking to imaginary creatures, why don't we hold a conversation?
right ahead. But make it quick. In ten minutes I'll have to eat
...again? What do you mean, again? Are you
sure you haven't seen my peasant friend?
I might have.
Let's play a little game.
Pass the Parcel!
the Tail on the Donkey!
Shut up. The particular game I have
in mind is a fearsome puzzle played by dragons since the very dawn of
life as we know it. In the darkest caverns and abysses my ancestors
would pass the centuries with this amusing pastime. Before mortal men
even learnt the secrets of the flame our reptilian children spend
long, primeval evenings with this sole entertainment.
of Might and Magic 2?
You have to be kidding. We're not
that old. No, I'm talking about a different game entirely. A
game that requires wit. A game that requires cunning. A game, that if
you lose, will cost you your life.
I don't want to play
Oh, but you have to.
I don't want to.
don't have a choice.
No. You're going to
play my game now. And you're going to enjoy it, human. Or else I may
have to get... angry!
Sure! I love games! Anything you
Firstly, one of must draw a sacred rune upon the
ground with a stick, like so.
This is Tic-Tac-Toe, isn't
No, it's an ancient dragon game. Pay attention. After
the drawing of the sacred rune, one of must take the holy stick and
draw the symbol of the relic upon the ground. I shall be the Circle.
You can be the Cross.
I'm pretty sure this is
It's a dragon game, I tell you. We're ancient
wyrms. Our games are beyond your comprehension! Okay, I'll go first,
and put my Circle in the middle square. Mwahahahaha!
Listen, when you're the thousand-tonne lizard
with the ability to breathe scalding jets of flame, you can be the
one to start in the middle square.
Okay, I'll put my cross
Fool! That's the same mistake your friend
I'm beginning to think you really do know where that
Er, really? What gave you that impression?
just said it!
No I didn't. Let me draw my circle right
I'm not playing your games anymore. I want to know
what you did to my friend.
Oh, come now. Isn't it obvious?
I'm a gigantic dragon, he's a small peasant, his shoe is dangling
from one of my teeth. Do I really have to draw you a picture,
That's what Black Dragons do! We have no limit to
our fiendish, diabloical natures. We can't fight it. We are evil in
its purest form!
But why would you force him to watch
I sa... what?
creature! Oh, the horror!
I ate him, you idiot. I crunched
him like one of your accursed turnips. I devoured him whole. I
swallowed him into my mighty maw. I guzzled him! I gnawed his bones
and split his flesh into gristle an--
I get the idea.
That's really twisted.
You're the one talking to a creature
that doesn't really exist.
Well, yes, but it's 1:25 AM.
I'm allowed to do that sort of thing this early in the morning. I'll
probably regret it by dawn.
It's 1:25 AM? Why, when we
started talking, it was 1:15 AM. What a coincidence.
Remember when I said I had to eat again in ten
don't like it when you laugh like that.
Stand still, now...
I don't like fast food. Mwahahaha!
Oh, come on. If you're
going to kill me, don't do it with your bad humour.
that's it. I've had enough games. This'll teach you not to build the
Hydra Dwelling in EVERY SINGLE GAME YOU'VE PLAYED AS ASYLUM!
Reasons to chose the Ogre Mage
have felt very bad about the way I constantly insult, mock and
generally belittle the humble Ogre Magi. This is my apology. Feel
free to add to this list, so that we may convince people that Ogre
Magi aren't nearly as bad as everyone claims they are.
Once they're dead you can use them to grit the driveway.
They can wear orange stripes on their chainmail and still be
3. Without them the skull-on-a-stick industry
would most likely be bankrupt, causing many employees to lose their
4. They're the only Might unit with visible human
5. They hide some of the obsolete Heroes III units in
their names. Drop the R,E,M,A,E and you can arrange the word GOG, or
drop R,E,E to spell MAGOG.
6. They are the only Might unit
that wears a hat in the constant scorching Stronghold sun.
They are a positive role-model to children forced to co-exist at
school with a bully twice their size with a gigantic single eye in
8. Ranged attacks are for wimps anyway.
If you zoom up really, really, really, really close to their face in
the Reference Card, it seems as if they're looking right at you.
Bloodlust is much easier to say than Area Attack.
easier to type too.
12. They aren't leprechauns.
They build a Fort instead of a Cave, thereby allowing the precious
subterannean ecosystem to survive.
14. They don't seem to mind
standing pointlessly on castle towers just because the AI told them
15. They don't cause optometrists to burst into tears
during their routine eye inspections.
16. Their name reversed
is Egam Ergo, which isn't exactly Latin but is enough to get you
applauded during a fifth-grade play of Julius Caesar.
make Naga look like a good unit choice.
18. They're safe for
the environment and are completely bio-degradable.
the only troop that waddles without looking embarassedly
self-concious about it.
20. Two eyes are better than one. Four
eyes are even better, if you count their skull-on-a-stick.
They didn't replace Mighty Gorgons, like a certain unnamed troop did
in the Chaos town, you filthy wretched Nightmare.
22. The red
shawl they wear is completely artifical and no endangered animals
were slain to provide its material. The dye is also strawberry
23. Unlike Behemoths you can shake their hands
without being impaled in twelve places.
24. No matter how bad
they are, they're still not as bad a third level unit as Earth
25. If you bury an Ogre Magi up to his neck in the
sand he'll appreciate the joke and forgive you in a day or two.
Ogre Magi stacks on the game screen look as if they're quietly
dancing to a tune nobody but they can hear.
27. No matter how
long you wait, they'll still never be leprechauns.
you go for a walk with an Ogre Mage instead of a Sea Monster you
won't have to avoid harpoons, rabid photographers and bearded
Scotsmen insisting that ye exist in yon wee lake.
make creating a list like this really, really hard.
Expansion Packs we'll never see
of Might and Magic IV: The Lumberjack Lich
The evil lich
Sandro is up to his old tricks, this time cutting down pristine
wilderness to build his Casino of the Damned. Can the Preserve heroes
unite to strike him down - with the aid of the mysterious Dendroids,
who have returned from their role in The Two Towers to arrive on
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: The Forge Strikes
The entire Might city is destroyed from space by a
deadly laser beam fired from the Forge Death Star. They soon colonise
the planet with their Utwig Juggers and Spathi Eluders, and create a
Technocracy with a population of 21 in their main city. It's up to
Luke Skywalker the Knight to fight the evil Forge Empire and reunite
the two splintered Klingon factions.
Heroes of Might and
Magic IV: Armageddon's Blade
Armageddon's Blade didn't
really explode, reveals an aged woman. It just used a vortex to
escape through to Axeoth, where it has become a talking, zany
character with the ability to move objects with its mind. But can it
adjust to Axeoth society? Crag Hack thinks so, and he takes it on a
madcap adventure throughout the realm! But watch out, Crag - the
Government is right behind you!
Heroes of Might and Magic
IV: Global Warming
Pollution from the Necropolis furnaces
has caused the polar ice caps to melt, flooding the realm of Axeoth.
In a desparate attempt to stay alive, heroes tamed Sea Monsters and
now ride them between various Floating Water Cities. Pirates are now
the dominant level four creature, and the Sextant has been moved to
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: Mensa
The AI will outsmart you at ever turn. Thanks to
an artifical intelligence honed by games of chess against
Grandmasters, you'll never be safe even if you outnumber them two to
one. Having passed the Turing test and succesfully researched the
solution to all mankind's diseases, the Heroes IV AI has never been
more challenging. It's only a matter of time before it develops self
awareness and conquers the world!
Heroes of Might and Magic
IV: The FPS Shooter
With both a RPG and a strategy game in
the Might and Magic universe, NWC decides it's time to make a FPS
shooter based on their award-winning fantasy worlds. You play Duke
Dangerous the Titan, shooting bolts of lightning at your enemies.
Fighting through 21 levels to reach the Asylum of your arch-rival
Black 'As The Night Itself' Dragon, you'll have to avoid traps and
powerful enemies. Five different weapons, including the Peasant
Launcher and the No-retaliation Ray, will make your job a little
easier... but watch out for Minotaurs and their Blocking
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: The Gathering
you collect a deck with enough cards to overthrow your opponents?
Tapping lands like 'Swamp Terrain' and 'Snow Terrain' to summon
creatures like 'Efreeti', you'll need to keep your wits about you to
defeat all your rivals. Special cards like 'Memory Leak' will give
you the upper-hand, if you can tap enough 'System Resources' to use
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: Our Artists Were
Times are bleak in the land of Axeoth, as the wicked
Gargamel has stolen all colour from the land. Stuck in a black and
white world, it's a battle to survive against the Stick Man Legions.
Fortunately, loyal creatures like the Stick Man Crusader, the Stick
Dragon and the Pixel are on your side, willing to fight for the
ultimate artifact - the Grey Anti-Aliased Circle!
expansions added by Marelt Ekiran)
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: Mendeleev attacks
druid Mendeleev has rebelled from the old system of Earth, Water,
Fire and Air elements and has introduced his entire periodic system
of elementals. Fight to stop his complete domination of Axeoth while
watching your crusaders hacking through Neon elementals, your gold
golems being corroded by fluorine elemental and the almighty
plutonium elemental radiate all your units to ashes. 119 new units.
More to be added every year.
Heroes of Might and Magic IV:
No creature is allied with any other
creature and everyone is trying to carve an empire for himself. Make
your hero the strongest of all and let him or her conquer all
483,291,502 empires to unite Axeoth under his or her rule.
of Might and Magic IV: The unlimited stronghold
no limit when building up your towns. All new maps will be XXL,
giving you full time to do all building you want. Watch as you and
your enemies clash with armies containing level 2843 creatures or
watch as they try to break through a
fortification. Afterwards, boast that your hero was more than 200
levels higher than your opponents.
Heroes of Might and
Magic IV: Survival of the fittest
A level 1 hero starts as
a string of DNA and has to work it's way up the evolutionary ladder.
Use your towns to produce nutrients. Build up the plant life to
produce food and battle for the domination of the sea, land and sky.
Choose if you want your hero to become a dinosaur, a mammal, a fish
or another part of the animal kingdom
expansions added by Lord Haart)
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: The Return of the Mini-Wyverns
A plague of Insect-sized Wyverns has infested Axeoth, eating all
the crops and generally annoying everybody. You take control of
Harry, of the new pest-killer hero class, as you fight off the plague
with the new insectacide school of magic.
Heroes of Might
and Magic IV: Night of the Giant Leprechauns
You woke up one morning only to find that all the Leprechauns in
Axeoth have increased in size by 7567443567%! Battle as the
now-dwarf-sized Megadragon Mutare as you strive to save the world
from these muntant freaks! But beware, it is they who will do the
Heroes of Might and Magic IV: Gorgon Edition
Gorgons are back in Axeoth! The news is so wonderful
that all of the contries of Axeoth have combined their funds to buy
the new creatures. Due to their wondorous return, all other creature
types are not available, and the new gorgon hero Gorgona is the only
hero left. Guide her and her fellow cows gorgons to glory and
(following post by GhostWriter)
Heroes of Might and Magic XXXVII: The Past that
Refuses to Die
Scheduled release date: May 2142
it's back! With all "new" graphics, music, and gameplay.
It's Heroes of Might and Maigc XXXVII with a twist. Due to
overwhelming fan requests, Heroes now uses 16 bit technology, a
whopping 12 KHz soundtrack, and an astounding 4 bits per second movie
and animation sequence. Amaze your friends with stunning never-before
seen features in their lifetime, like the ability to use a "mouse"
by simply clicking a "button" to activate the more than
five features in the game. Your vision sense will be engrossed by the
constant splendor of a "cathode-ray-tube" to view the
incredible two-dimensional graphics! Multi-player has never been
better, with a wait-time less than three hours between turns, using
the all-new 2400 band "modem"! No more direct sub-cortex
implants! Have more time to do the things you really want to
Parallel Multi-Dimensional Processor
XXGBO4 Plasma Memory Cubes
Infinite Bridge Superconducting
Cathode Ray Tube (available at some surplus
Mouse (mousepad recommended)
Copyright 2131 3DO Company,
a subsidiary of Space Dynamics Interplanetary
licensed by the Pong Corporation, China
The Artificial Intelligence Playground
I noticed the late thread on the AI and what it
does/doesn't do. (This was also originally a reply to that thread,
but got too long and I realised it would probably engulf it). This
sparked an idea, and so I set to work creating a little map for our
AI companions. I dubbed it the Artifical Intelligence Playground, and
like scientific gerbils our friends Blue, Green, Orange, Teal and
Purple were confined into separate areas of a large map, in which I
could test them.
Having put on a mad scientist costume, I
opened up the Campaign Editor and made the following fiendish
I placed a single Stronghold on an island surrounded
by water, and scripted it so that he recieved 500,000 of each
resource at the start of the game. By Day 7 I would check to see what
buildings he had bought. Would we see a disturbingly logical mind in
action, or the acts of a randomly guessing monkey?
gave Green a single barbarian hero, trapped in a small room with
several artifacts in strategic locations.
In one corner we
have the Cart of Lumber. Facing it are the Boots of the Crocodile,
diagonally from which are the Shackles of War(tm), and across from
which is the Sword of the Gods. See a pattern? Treasure, minor,
major, relic. Just to confuse him I also put a single lump of
I'll confess that I was
cackling with power-bloated glee at this point. Orange was confined
to a similar mountain complex, given a healthy dose of Haven troops -
100 Squires/Crossbowmen, 100 Pikemen, 50 Monks and 20 Angels.
Directly ahead of him are four 'wandering monster' stacks who have
been commanded not to do any of their pesky wandering, for fear of
breaking my sterile laboratory environment.
He's up against
Chaos troops. First stack is 200 Rogues, second is 180 Minotaurs,
third is 80 Nightmares, fourth is 30 Hydras. I'm sure most human
players could win these fights with minimal losses, given the troop
diversity above. Let's see how many stacks he wipes out and whether
his hero - Lemming the 25th Priest, armed with GM Life, Spirituality,
Healing and a Tome of Life - survives.
As a lure for the AI I
put a leprechaun dwelling after the Hydras.
In this case, I wanted to
see if they were in fact capable of completing quests. I placed a
nice Quest Hut by Idiot, Teal's level 1 sorceror, with the goal of
obtaining 8000 gold and returning it. I placed 8000 gold right next
to the hut. If the AI can't manage this, then I'm never letting it
out of the house without a leash.
Should he succeed, he'll be
given a waspwort. I hope he's not allergic to them.
Purple got the most
intricate experiment of all. He's in a small valley with unflagged
mines, one for each resource, a fully-constructed Academy and a host
of creatures. Not far south is a neutral Preserve with a garrison of
creatures. How long will it take Purple to flag the mines and capture
I set them to be my allies, all except for Teal
(hey, I had to have at least ONE enemy to avoid winning on Day One).
I then cunningly placed a hero with GM scouting just where Teal
couldn't reach it, to check for that tell-tale waspwort.
meaningful statistics from my experiment are detailed at the end, but
for details of the rigorous testing process you'll have to read this
rather long post. Let the games begin! (Advanced Difficulty was
took the Cart of Lumber, the Mercury, and then the Shackles of War,
in that order. Hmm. A very strange and seemingly meaningless pattern,
that, so I'll have to run it again later to see if it has some sort
of deeper purpose.
Orange (Wandering Monsters) defeated the Rogues
and then the Minotaurs. Total losses - 4 Angels. Not too bad, but
losing level four units against level one and level two troop types
speaks of shoddy battlework. At least Lemming survived.
Teal (Quests) didn't even pick up the Pandora's
Box with 8000 gold in it. And he's in a tiny little isolated mountain
circle with absolutely nothing else to do. I get a sinking
Blue (Building) built nothing? Huh? Did I
forget to give him basic intelligence along with his thousands and
thousands of resources?
Purple (Expansion) sent a bunch
of wandering monsters out to roam pointlessly to the left of his
city. Didn't buy a hero, didn't claim the nearby ore mine, didn't
pass GO, didn't collect $200.
(Artifacts) nabbed the Sword of the Gods and then the Crocodile
Boots. That means his current test is over, and so he'll just have to
stand there looking confused until I'm done with him. Additionally, I
forgot to block off his city and now he has gold golems wandering
pointlessly through the gigantic unfilled regions of the map.
Orange (Wandering Monsters) just stood there,
ignoring the Nightmares. Perhaps it doesn't think it can handle 80
nightmares with its troops and every Life spell in the game. Come on,
Lemming, don't spoil it for everyone.
pick up the freaking gold, Teal. Pick it up NOW. Are AI perhaps
unable to use Pandora's Box? Or is he just really, really dumb? Next
test I'll give him the 8000 gold manually and forget about the
Blue (Construction) still built nothing. Is he
Purple (Expansion) hired a hero and pottered down
south, past the ore mine, without any troops. A few steps after the
mine he headed back up to the mine (without flagging it) and joined
up with the previous wandering monsters. So far he's still mineless.
And mindless? They're such similar words.
DAY 3 (the plot
Green now has two gold golems wandering
around the map, and waiting for them to trudge about is KILLING me.
Next time I'm going to make sure I break their legs before I put them
in the experimental cage.
Orange (Wandering Monsters)
is now stuck in a permanent state of terror, so I'm going to have to
conclude that Lemming is a failing, snivelling coward. Shame,
Teal (Quests). Teal would make an
impressive mime, as his hero hasn't moved at all in an entire three
Blue (Construction) finally built something, a
Citadel. To protect him from hordes of killer bees and other small
Purple (Expansion) - amazing! He
recruited a stack of nagas and sent them shambling aimlessly to the
left of his academy, true. But his hero flagged not only the ore mine
but the wood mine as well.
(Expansion) did some more exploring with hero-less creature stacks,
apparently chosen at random, as he's actually using dwarves for
scouting... that's like using Ballista in a sled-race. The hero also
galloped southwards, which is where he's meant to be going. No mines
Blue (Construction) built harpies. Says it all,
Teal (Quests) is really beginning to bug me. He
could at least move a LITTLE...
(Expansion) now has an alarming amount of wandering creature
stacks who seem to be walking in circles. His hero did, however, flag
a Crystal mine while galloping towards the south - albeit somewhat
Blue (Construction) built Ogre Magi. Yes.
He built Ogre Magi. Willingly and with nobody forcing him to at
gunpoint. He had 500k of each resource and he built Ogre Magi. I'm
going to leave a meaningful empty space at the end of this
Please, Green. For the
love of all that is holy, do not continue scouting my empty map with
Purple (Expansion) is now, I'm convinced,
making things up as it goes along. It had a few titans run up, then
down, then up, then down, then return to the garrison. The hero did
not move at all this turn, but sat watching the captured crystal mine
- despite the fact that the sulfur, gold and gem mine have been
Blue (Construction) built a castle. Probably in
preparation for Thunderbirds, but with this sterling military mind at
work anything is possible.
(you know which it is by now) made a few more wandering monsters jog
around, and then sent the hero to capture the gold mine. Despite his
bizzare desire to scout around with one or two monsters, he has yet
to uncover the nearby town.
Blue built Thunderbirds.
Who didn't see that one coming? This fufills his quota of seven days,
and so the final round now belongs to Purple and his meaningless
What follows is now his masterful battle plans,
copied straight from his own diary.
Day 8: Saw gem
mine. Flagged it. Saw sulfur mine. Decided to go back up and sit next
to the crystal mine instead. Move magi around.
Galloping home to get troops, to defend me from the invisible vampire
pirates who I'm sure are waiting in the fog of war to get me.
10: Waited for Green to stop moving gold golems. Recruited new
hero, combined the two and put all wandering monsters into one army.
Is this strange feeling called... intelligence? Person looking at me
through computer monitor seems surprised.
Day 11: Moved
into city. Sat there.
Day 12: Stayed in city. It's cold
Day 13: Stayed in city.
Stayed in city.
Day 15: Stayed in city.
16: Stayed in city. Person looking at me through monitor seems
annoyed. Is pressing a button with a word I can't quite make out, but
I think the first two letters are QU--
I went back to the drawing board with my new
knowledge. Firstly, I took out the infamous Pandora's Box and made
Teal recieve 8000 gold at the beginning of the game. Then I lowered
the number of Nightmares to 45. I took out Purple entirely - I
haven't got the patience to live through that nightmare again –
and took away Green's city, for my own sanity.
(Artifacts) took the Cart of Lumber, the Mercury and... the Shackles
of War... is it just me, or is there a strange feeling of deja vu?
Orange (Combat) killed the first two stacks,
Rogues and Minotaurs, but lost five angels this time. That's one more
than the last.
Teal (Quests) is still doing nothing.
I've given up on him, and am declaring the AI to ignore all kinds of
quest huts and Pandora's Boxes.
didn't build anything. Because of this, I began to feel uneasy.
Surely he's not going to build EXACTLY the same buildings as he did
before... surely the AI isn't just a series of set patterns?
(Combat) froze at the sight of the newly reduced Nightmares, once
again in a limbo designed to torment the one behind the
Well, to cut a long story short, Green took
identical artifacts and Blue built identical buildings in the
second test. Orange still didn't attack the Nightmares.
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This gives me reason to present the following
statistics and ideas:
1.) The AI cannot interact with Quest
Huts and Pandora's Boxes.
2.) The AI builds structures in a
fixed order. In the case of the Stronghold, he built:
Day 2: Nothing
Day 3: Citadel
Day 4: Harpy
Day 5: Ogre Magi Dwelling
Day 6: Castle
3.) Never let Green hire gold
4.) The AI does not choose artifacts by power or
usefulness, and seems to have some strange favouritism to several.
I'm not sure if distance was an issue here, as the amount of squares
between hero - artifact was roughly equal. It loves the Cart of
5.) The AI understimates the ability of its hero and
combined troops when facing an enemy monster stack. In the case of
Lemming, with his Life spells and array of Haven troops he SHOULD
have been able to take 45 nightmares. Yet he chose to stand
motionless for two weeks instead.
6.) Teal is an idiot.
The AI will explore to a certain degree but has a paranoid desire to
stay close to its own city. It will also ignore nearby mines in
favour of further ones, will not claim mines that are partially
visible on the map and will not explore a certain distance away from
its main city.
8.) The AI follows a predictable pattern,
unlike in Heroes III where the same situation could produce different
results with each replaying.
9.) Don't try to do things like
this at 4:36 AM.