The Round Table Weekly Collection
A55a55in: "Ahem, excuse me..."
Anchor: "Shhh! Stop bothering me! Can't you see I'm playing?"
A55a55in: "Yes, well, if I could intrude for a moment, I was just wondering..."
Anchor: "What!?"
A55a55in: "Well, it's been two weeks since last time... don't you think it's time for another one of those 'interview' thingies soon?"
Anchor: "Yes, yes, later."
A55a55in: "But..."
Anchor: "Look! I've been busy all week, my editor is on my back about this party he wants me to arrange for the toilet bugs, and I just got this other thing... in addition to the demo release – you think I've had time to arrange an interview?"
A55a55in: "I heard of a couple of members who would be nice subjects..."
Anchor: "Aaaagh! Those damned Master Hunters! Now how am I supposed to win this duel without any mages!?"
A55a55in: "You think you'll be finished soon then?"
Anchor: "Well, now that you mention it, I think I have a few questions left over from last time..."
A55a55in: "Great! I'll go and try to find someone you can interview."
Anchor: "No need. Just sit down in this chair over here."
A55a55in: "... what?"
Anchor: "Sit, sit, sit."
A55a55in: "Wha... oh! Nononono! Not me, you don't!"
Anchor: "Guard! Can we get a spot over here?"
A55a55in: "NOOOO!! HEEELPP!!"
Anchor: "Get the Comfy Chair! Oh, and gag him until I can ask him a question, would you?"
*Ten minutes later*
Anchor: "Have you calmed down now?"
A55a55in: "Oh, yes – how did you do that?"
Anchor: "Simple. I put something in your drink. And threw in a Hypnotize spell for good measure. Now, here's a question: What's with those fives in your name?"
A55a55in: "Well, clearly, it's a way of making my name look a bit cooler; you know – seen the right way, a five is the same shape as an S."
Anchor: "No, it isn't!"
A55a55in: "Well... yes, it is – look, I've got my calculator here; doesn't that five look like an S to you?"
Anchor: "Yes, but that's a calculator – the old kind! This is the Web, man, you have access to the whole alphabet written correctly!"
A55a55in: "All right, all right, let's not get too excited, it's just a nickname – jeez louise..."
Anchor: "How are you pronouncing that name anyway? 'Afivefiveafivefivein'?"
A55a55in: "No..."
Anchor: "It's 'assassin' – isn't it?"
A55a55in: "Yes, of course, but..."
Anchor: "So why not just call yourself 'Assassin'?"
A55a55in: "Huh-huh, dude, you said 'ass'..."
Anchor: "I don't get it."
A55a55in: "Can we please talk about something else? Something different?"
Anchor: "Yes, let's – I've heard that under your mattress, you keep a large supply of..."
A55a55in: "Not that different!"
Anchor: "What was the capitol of Assyria?"
A55a55in: "Some say Nineveh, others say Nimrud."
Anchor: "That's because they're stupid. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
A55a55in: "Airspeed and velocity is the same thing, isn't it?"
Anchor: "No, it could be running on the ground."
A55a55in: "But then why not say 'airspeed' when it's in the air and 'velocity' when it's on the ground?"
Anchor: "Because 'velocity' could mean any number of things! Now can you answer the question or not?"
A55a55in: "Between 40 and 50 mph."
Anchor: "In Ks per hour, please."
A55a55in: "Errr... that's..."
Anchor: "Sorry, time's up. That gives me a bonus question: what's that thing with your hair?"
A55a55in: "Cool, aint it?"
Anchor: "Not really, no. What is it?"
A55a55in: "Well, with the new game and everything, I thought I needed to get some of them pointy ears to look like a proper assassin."
Anchor: "So you put Vaseline in your hair to simulate long, pointy ears?"
A55a55in: "No, I couldn't find any."
Anchor: "I see."
A55a55in: "So I used snot instead."
Anchor: "Eeew!"
A55a55in: "There's plenty about."
Anchor: "I'm sure. Now, where do you live?"
A55a55in: "Oooooh, no, that's a strict secret, revealed only to my closest friends and allies. And my allies' families. And their friends. And their tennis partners. And their tennis partners' friends and their dogs. And some chap I bumped into on the street yesterday called Bernard."
Anchor: "Right, I'll get you to admit to me where your den is located – guard! Get the Comfy-Comfy-Chair, please!"
Studio Commentary: "In today's session, our reporter has landed an interview with something that just landed in the backyard, the angel from Heroes 5."
Anchor: "That's right, one of the real resurrecting creatures, as Sir Tim calls them, is our guest this evening – welcome to our show, Mr. Angel... or is it Miss...?"
Angel: "Neither, really – we angels are asexual."
Anchor: "So you don't have any..."
Angel: "Nope. I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken-doll, as they say."
Anchor: "A bit confusing, isn't it?"
Angel: "Can be, yes – back in the early days it made for a great deal of strange situations. Partying just isn't the same when you can't drink alcohol or have sex, but hey... at least we've got wings and a big sword."
Anchor: "Yes, I see that along with the new instalment in the Heroes series you have gotten hold of some new robes, and a serious upgrade weapon-wise, you don't have the sword with you, by any chance?"
Angel: "Had to check it outside."
Anchor: "Security?"
Angel: "No, couldn't get it in through the front door."
Anchor: "Yes, we have of course been allowed to study parts of the game already, and I must say it does look a tiny bit heavy, and those arms of yours... well, you're not exactly body builders, are you; is this gargantuan blade really what you need to slay your opponent in a proper fashion?"
Angel: "Well, it can penetrate three arch devils at a time, if that's what you mean. No, I think it does the job quite nicely. It is a bit heavy – to be sure – and yes, most of us have a job wielding it any higher than just above our knees, but since we have wings we can fly as high as we need to and stab the enemy from up there."
Anchor: "Judging from your sortie the sword is not needed on the celestial plane? I mean, you don't take it with you when you go?"
Angel: "Again it's not really a question of whether or not we need it in the afterlife; it's just that it's too heavy for the tractor beam. So – we have to leave it behind, I'm afraid."
Anchor: "Let's talk a bit about your new wardrobe."
Angel: "Nice, ain't it?"
Anchor: "Yes, the… robe is quite nice, but I can't help at wonder why you decided to chuck the armour. Last time we saw you, you had this really shiny, good-looking armour with the dual function that it also protected you in battle. Why'd it go?"
Angel: "Well, as you know, the prices of armour-shine has skyrocketed the last couple of years, and with the invention of the new armour-piercing weapons of our enemies entering the battlefield, the cost-benefit ratio was just too high. So we decided to review our options and eventually we started using these instead..."
Anchor: "You are not wearing anything on your feet either?"
Angel: "No that was my next point. Since we no longer touch the ground – like, ever – but flap around continuously instead, our feet have become a bit like those of an albatross, really. Small, not very mobile. Don't need them much. No shoes."
Anchor: "Yes, I see – now..."
Angel: "Aaaalbatross!"
Anchor: "About your new hairdo?"
Angel: "John deBaptìste – excellent stylist. Look at how it stays in place even when I shake it like I'm in a shampoo ad. Flooff! Floff!"
Anchor: "John whatchamacallim?"
Angel: "Jô... you pronounce it with a soft J and a long O sound. Jooooon... Come on, you've heard of him, he's the one who started that fabulous 'wet-hair' look way back when."
Anchor: "Yes, right – now, we've talked about your hair, your feet, the clothes, the sword, the lack of a decent piece of armour... you can bet yer sweet fanny Ethric will have something to say about that, by the way... so there's only one thing left about your person, really, and that's the wings."
Angel: "What about them?"
Anchor: "And the way you fly."
Angel: "Hm?"
Anchor: "The angels of Heroes four would fly head-first, kind of horizontal-like, as a bird might, whereas you..."
Angel: "Have a look out the window."
Anchor: "Out the..."
Angel: "Window, yes. Do you see that large object over there, leant up against the skyscraper on the right?"
Anchor: "I thought that was a support strut for the building."
Angel: "No, that's my weapon of choice. Now imagine holding that thing in your hand, trying to lift off. Is there any way in the world you could see me flying in a horizontal pattern while towing that thing?"
Anchor: "No... I suppose not."
Angel: "The game designers should be glad we manage to cross the battlefield at all. Now, we can, but we have to do it by flying upwards and then steer as we glide back down."
Anchor: "OK, we'll move on – about them flimsy wings..."
Angel: "You know, I don't think..."
Anchor: "Well...they don't look...
Angel: "Look, I might as well tell you right now – we angels are a little sensitive about our wings, they're very important to us, all right? Any sort of critique on that is usually answered by a quick, sharp killer blow to the upper thorax. I only let you off because you offered me cake when I came in. We angels are suckers for cake."
Anchor: "Really? What kind? Any favourites?"
Angel: "Oh, yes! I like chocolate best personally, those ones with a layer of glaze inside in the middle as well as on the outside. Layer cake is also good, with lots of whipped cream and strawberry or alternatively raspberry filling, and then there's Kalah the Summoner's chocolate brownie muffins – they go right to your hips..."
Anchor: "All angels like cake?"
Angel: "Just about all of us. There is Michael – he's a bit of a grump. Only likes crunchy things. Like cookies. And devil horn. Snacksy."
Anchor: "I am being told we have to round things up – TVShop is on next. One final question, a very important one."
Angel: "Yes?"
Anchor: "I am sure all of our viewers are very keen to know... eh..."
Angel: "What?"
Anchor: "Can't find my notepad. I had the question written down but now I can't find it... oh, well. Bye, everyone! See you next time."
Edition #11: Heroes 5 Archdevil.
Anchor: "Smoke on the water, fire in the sky. Today our guest is a man on fire – the Archdevil from Heroes five. Welcome."
Archdevil: "Thankyou, thankyou, glad to be here."
Anchor: "I'll start things off right away, because we have lots of questions and very little time..."
Archdevil: "Gimme just a little more tiiiime!"
Anchor: "Makeup! Fix my hair! Put it out!"
Archdevil: "Sorry, some times I breathe a bit of fire when I sing."
Anchor: "So I noticed. Ooh, OK, question: in the previous instalment of the Heroes series, the Devil could teleport all across the battlefield, which in turn was much larger than the one you frequent."
Archdevil: "Gets a bit overpowered, doesn't it."
Anchor: "Yes, many have complained about the fact that a level 4 creature can jump to the other end of the battlefield even in a castle siege, whereas your teleport ability gives you no extra movement whatsoever. What are your thoughts on this?"
Archdevil: "Like I said, the ability for a big guy like me to jump all the way up to the other guys is a bit overpowered. Still, I think stripping me of the ability to gain any extra movement is going about it the wrong way."
Anchor: "But the battlefield is smaller, and there are many large creatures in the game, taking up four squares. Doesn't the teleport ability give you that extra edge of not being blocked by these creatures?"
Archdevil: "Well, yeah, but if there's no room for me to appear in after teleporting, the ability doesn't work for me at all, and with today's small battlefield, along with the fact that it's mostly melee combat we see in these battles, the whole thing just gets superfluous. I mean, it's melee I do, it's what I'm good at – and then, once I've gotten myself into a my favourite situation with creatures all around me, I am supposed to stay there and take it without being able to go anywhere?"
Anchor: "A bit frustrating, I suppose."
Archdevil: "Damned frustrating, so to speak."
Anchor: "Yes, that was my next question – you're probably overjoyed that Inferno is back."
Archdevil: "Yeah, baby. Now I don't have to mingle with those puny skeletons. And, man, between you and me – them vampire guys are giving me the creeps."
Anchor: "I was wondering what the general mood is in the newly re-established Inferno community. What is going on 'down under'?"
Archdevil: "Yeah, like you say, we're delighted to be back in our purest form. No more of that undead garbage, just pure Hell."
Anchor: "What did you do when you got the message?"
Archdevil: "Had a party, of course. Drank lots of blood/fire drinks on the house, lit up a few captured creatures and then we talked about things to come. We're really looking forward to our comeback."
Anchor: "Anything in particular you're not too anxious to..."
Archdevil: "Well, now that you mention it, I think those Sylvan shooters are tearing down the house. I mean, they can stand far away, picking us off one by one and we don't even have teleport to counter it. Before we can get close enough to take them on hand-to-hand, we're... well, dead. A confusion or forgetfulness spell would certainly be nice."
Anchor: "A question from a somewhat critical viewer..."
Archdevil: "Bring it on."
Anchor: "You're all on fire, you Inferno creatures – and that's not meant in a good way. Is it really considered an upgrade in the Inferno community to have a bit of fire licking ones insides?"
Archdevil: "I guess what the viewer is trying to say is that he would like something more than a touch-up on the stats and a better look for an upgraded creature compared to a base creature. I gotta say, I'm with you there, but there is more to it, you see."
Anchor: "There is?"
Archdevil: "Yes, take me – for instance – I'm an Arch devil. Now, to the untrained eye, the change may not be big, but I have several things the Devil doesn't."
Anchor: "Like?"
Archdevil: "Like my own bathroom. And there's also an Archdevils own polo club."
Anchor: "No Devils there, then."
Archdevil: "Hell, no. There was this guy who tried to get in to our country club once – he got past security by hiding a blowtorch in his robe and setting himself alight once he got to the door. But then he was exposed in the sauna."
Anchor: "Another question: are you satisfied with your new weapon?"
Archdevil: "Oh, yes, a major upgrade. Instead of using our claws as the Heroes four devil, we've got a huge axe to wield and show off to everyone who doesn't believe we can fight."
Anchor: "Like the angel?"
Archdevil: "Yeah, that flimsy sissy got a run for his money once he got close enough for me to hit him, lemme tell you."
Anchor: "He/she."
Archdevil: "Hm?"
Anchor: "Angels are asexual."
Archdevil: "They're sissies."
Anchor: "And they've got weapons bigger than yours."
Archdevil: "That's the blacksmith's fault! I told that guy over at the Russian place we wanted the biggest thing in the game. What'd we get? An axe we can split lots of wood with, when it's angel heads we want to cut off!
Anchor: "So you're a bit jealous of their very large piece of steel?"
Archdevil: "You're not getting me into that one."
Anchor: "OK, how about answering me what is your favourite flower."
Archdevil: "Nope."
Anchor: "Favourite country ballad?"
Archdevil: "mmmnope."
Anchor: "Fave soap opera?"
Archdevil: "I don't watch those, man!"
Anchor: "Sorry."
Archdevil: "Sheeez!"
Anchor: "Viewer question."
Archdevil: "Yeah, anyway there's nothing fun on after 'Falcon Crest' got cancelled."
Anchor: "Really?"
Archdevil: "Next, please."
Anchor: "Nono, let's stay with this for a moment...
Archdevil: "I'm calling my imp."
Anchor: "Why, what can he do?"
Archdevil: "Nick your microphone and poke you with it."
Anchor: "Is that what they do?"
Archdevil: "It really gets to you after an hour or so."
Anchor: "When I played the Demo, I thought they packed a real punch."
Archdevil: "Compared to..."
Anchor: "Well, the H4 imp, for one."
Archdevil: "Yeah, you're right there."
Anchor: "Do you like cake?"
Archdevil: "Cake!?"
Anchor: "...yeah?"
Archdevil: "Whatever gave you that idea? I'm on fire – I'm the creature symbolizing the eternal torment of lost souls and the infernal state of the city that burns forever in a fire that..."
Anchor: "Yeah, but you look a bit like a goat and I was wondering if you like cake."
Archdevil: "Anything else you wanna say before I hack you up into little pieces and feed you into the furnace?"
Anchor: "One last thing: which do you hate more, the angels or the priests?"
Archdevil: "Hmmm... tough one. The Choir are my sworn enemies, but the priests are their servants who mindlessly carry out their wishes. It'll be the angels, as before, since it be they who give the orders and the priests who carry them out."
Anchor: "OK, I'm done."
Archdevil: "Would you like to see the inside of my personal chamber of torture?"
Anchor: "Ooh, sounds nice. Got any cookies?"
Archdevil: "... I'll see what I can do."
Edition #12: Heroes 5 Paladin.
Studio Commentary: "Today we have another special guest from the world of Heroes Five. The Paladin."
Anchor: "...is that it?"
Studio Commentary: "It's an introduction, what do you mean? You told me to make a..."
Anchor: "Yeah, I meant a proper one! You know, like the ones you gave when we first started out. Sometimes I get the feeling that your heart isn't in this any more."
Studio Commentary: "What do you want me to say?"
Anchor: "Well, I don't know – something a bit more imaginative?"
Studio Commentary: "A guy on a horse in a funny dress is entering our studio, we're having the time of our lives trying to increase the height of the microphone so we can hear what the guy is saying, you beat me out of fifty-eight bucks on the poker game last night, my new copy of Heroes Five got nicked, and on top of it all you think I should be more imaginative. Thank you for your encouraging words."
Anchor: "Say something funny, then – it doesn't have to be any good, just give us a laugh."
Studio Commentary: "All right, how about this: He rides through the enemy ranks like a whirlwind, and then he shoves a gigantic may pole up their backsides whilst singing 'I'm so happy to be gay'. Please welcome the coolest looking horseman since the world's tallest man got on a Shetland's pony and said: "Yippee-kya-yeey." How's that?"
Anchor: "I'm lost for words. Now, Mr. Paladin – welcome to the studio."
Paladin: "Thank you."
Anchor: "Did you have to bring the horse?"
Paladin: "We are one. Where I go my steed goes."
Anchor: "Yeah, but we do have quite decent facilities for horses downstairs, you know – whirlpool and mare masseuses, everything a steed could want."
Paladin: "Sounds good, but the fact is, I'm glued to the saddle."
Anchor: "So that's why you look so silly when you die."
Paladin: "Yep. We flatten out as if rigor mortis sets in immediately after death, when in fact it doesn't usually set in for..."
Anchor: "Yeah, I don't care. By the way, what happened to your uh... stick there?"
Paladin: "You mean my lance? This lance that I had hand crafted from a special wood so as to make it strong enough not to break, yet light enough to wield with ease? This lance that I had a Master Painter paint with his Warding Paintbrush – a job that took fifteen days and two thousand gold pieces to complete? This lance that I had an Inquisitor bless so as to make it stand up to the punishment of being thrust through the hellfire that is the bodies of my archenemies the Devils and their demon flock? Are you talking about this lance?"
Anchor: "Yeah, what happened to it?"
Paladin: "I broke it, otherwise I'd be ramming it up your..."
Anchor: "How'd that happen? I thought you just said it was hardened and wouldn't break?"
Paladin: "Yeah, but there's a limit to everything, you know – and in my defence, I gotta say: those annual pole vault contests are rigged!"
Anchor: "You didn't win?"
Paladin: "Have you ever tried going over 5.2 whilst still on the horse? I mean, a teeny tiny handicap – is that too much to ask?"
Anchor: "Let's take a few calls, shall we? Who do we have on the line?"
Caller: "Yeah, this is... uh... Dlav. Yeah, from uh... Ainamor. I was just wondering if the Paladin knew anything about those rumours of a Brokeback Mountain sequel?"
Paladin: "Well, yes I do – I happened to speak with the producers last night. I'm sorry I can't tell you any more, they don't want me to reveal my appearance in the sequel and my following affair with Heath Ledger's new boyfriend which leads to a suicide of a certain person who shall remain nameless and is played by someone they called Jake on the set. Sorry, but it's top secret for now."
Anchor: "Well we understand, of course. Now, let's skip the rest of the calls in exchange for something completely different; can you tell us anything about the horse's role in combat? Is it just a tool – a machine under your control and a way for you to... well as you said, gain enough speed to ram that lance thingy up the *ahem* or is it more than that? You said you were some kind of team?"
Paladin: "We are one – the cooperation between rider and horse in the midst of combat is vital to our survival and to the outcome of the battle. Even more importantly, we get to the TV remote before anybody else; he runs, I grab. It's a team thing."
Anchor: "What flavour toothpaste does the horse use?"
Paladin: "Pizza."
Anchor: "Excuse me, did you just say pizza?"
Paladin: "Anything is better than hay-breath. Even dragons shun that one, m'kay?"
Anchor: "You fight dragons?"
Paladin: "When we get the chance. We usually try to let the hunters and druids pick those out of the sky before they come close enough to breathe on, though."
Anchor: "Now, about them griffins you usually travel around with..."
Paladin: "Yeeees...?"
Anchor: "Well, we've heard that they can be a quite unrestrained at times – party animals, so to speak. I was wondering if you could comment on that story going around about horseshoe tossing?"
Paladin: "Yes, I would like to say to all who are watching that nothing happened, believe me. The horses did not have horseshoecastial relations with those griffins – the imperials. I know it for sure. I was there."
Anchor: "Well, that's that out of the way then. How about some tea?"
Paladin: "Yes. Immediately."
Studio Commentary: "It's getting rarer and rarer, though quality remains the order of the day. More like a hand-built Lamborghini than a Toyota fresh off the assembly line, it's here once again to amuse you – it's... the Round Table Weekly."
Anchor: "Right, here with us this week is the winner of the "who-knows-what-Kalah's-got-in-his-tube-contest", and we pray to God there's nothing perverted about that, as we welcome Vlad976 to our studio."
Vlad: "Danke schön, danke schön, good to be here finally (took you long enough...)."
Anchor: "Your name, by the way – should we call you Vladninesevensix, or..."
Vlad: "Please don't."
Anchor: "Because, you know, we had this thing with a guy called afivefiveafivefivein and..."
Vlad: "Yeah."
Anchor: "Right, well, so what do you do, Vladimir?"
Vlad: "It's just Vlad."
Anchor: "Thought that was short for Vladimir."
Vlad: "It's not. Well, it can be – in the U.S. maybe. But... oh, it's complicated. Just call me Vlad, will you?"
Anchor: "Righty-O, Vladdy-boy."
Vlad: "Oh, God..."
Anchor: "God, is it now? Bit of a funny name, isn't it?"
Vlad: "Will you just get on with it!"
Anchor: "Right, to start: You have just been offered a position as moderator of the Heroes Round Table, how does that..."
Vlad: "I have?"
Anchor: "... er... I have it on note here that you have... I mean, we have it from reliable sources, not like the time when we were told Paul McCartney was pregnant... You check your PMs lately?"
Vlad: "I don't have PMS, I'm a guy, remember... oh! you mean... oh, yeah, I'll check them right away."
Anchor: "Hang on a bit, will you, we're live and our sponsor would like you to answer some questions which will enable me to mention them casually."
Vlad: "Sure, no problem."
Anchor: "I don't suppose you'd have much trouble saying yes to such a position in the forum?"
Vlad: "Well, what's the pay like?"
Anchor: "There's no money involved, as far as I know."
Vlad: "No money? You mean those guys who read everything and stay online 24/7 don't even get paid? Man, I just got a whole new sense of respect for lurkers... what about fringe benefits?"
Anchor: "There's a mods only forum, I think."
Vlad: "That's cool. Could post nonsense just to boost our post counts and nobody would be the wiser..."
Anchor: "And then there's the buttons enabling you to delete, close and move things."
Vlad: "Oooh, power trip."
Anchor: "So you'll say yes?"
Vlad: "Gotta ask mom first."
Anchor: "I see. Now for something completely different: it's time for the World Cup."
Vlad: "Good, I like golf."
Anchor: "The World Cup is football."
Vlad: "That game with the wickets?"
Anchor: "No."
Vlad: "Then I don't know."
Anchor: "And here I was, thinking we could fill a couple of minutes with this..."
Vlad: "Don't you have, like, a list of topics we can discuss?"
Anchor: "Well, let's see... hairstyles, Paris Hilton's dog, turtle races, the appearance of superstrings in empty space..."
Vlad: "This is kinda like the Monty Python sketch, isn't it?"
Anchor: "The one with John Cleese as an American waiter?"
Vlad: "No, I meant the one where they say: "Man, this stinks" and decide to just stop the whole thing."
Anchor: "Ah."
Vlad: "You want to quit?"
Anchor: "Yeah, sure."
Studio Commentary: "We apologize for this inconvenience, it appears our interviewer and interviewee have left the studio. In their stead, we have drafted in an RT admin, telling Your Mama jokes."
Robenhagen: "Your mama is so fat, she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a Gameboy."
Studio Commentary: "Taking the boards with storm is a new member from the land of flatness, diners and bicycles; a rarity indeed – a girl who is both sexy and a geek. Give it up for the nice little Danish who brings the "cheek" back into cheeky – Milla."
Anchor: "Welcome to the studio, Miss. Are you comfortable?"
Milla: "Yes, thank you. You know, those guys really didn't have to carry this couch all the way upstairs."
Maintenance crew: "Our pleasure, ma'am!"
Anchor: "By the way, now that you're up here finally, how long until that employees' shower is finished? I have a date later and I don't have time to go home."
Maintenance crew: "What time is it?"
Anchor: "It's 6 o'clock."
Maintenance crew: "Okay, we started the remodelling at 3:30. It took an hour to install the new pipes, another hour for the interior... hmm... Thursday."
Anchor: "D'oh!"
Milla: "Back to me."
Anchor: "Yes, you have made quite an appearance here on the board; getting your picture posted on the main site after only a few days etc. How's the warm reception been?"
Milla: "Very nice. Heart-warming, in fact."
Anchor: "You get the same welcome at parties?"
Milla: "I do, yes."
Anchor: "Why do you think it is that while a 41 year old overweight man from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania gets a "hello" and a "how are ya", you attract guys to the Campfire you frequent like a honey cake attracts sugar craving seven-year-olds?"
Milla: "I think this forum is just full of friendly members who will talk to anybody – they're nice, polite, don't flame anyone; I've never seen newbies being treated so well in a forum. It's like you're home two minutes after you registered. Of course, it could also have something to do with the fact that one of my first posts contained the word "G-string", but I dunno."
Anchor: "You also brought a friend to the board, and it seems you have caused a bit of a Scandinavian revival in the Campfire?"
Milla: "Yes, there are many of us here – can't imagine why. Norwegians, Swedes (who you'd think would be busy watching football), and of course the great Danes; there are dozens and at times it seems we are more plentiful than any other group."
Anchor: "This is positive, surely?"
Milla: "Surely, but I'd really like to see some more diversity – Japanese, Africans, you know – people from all over. Why aren't more of those around?"
Anchor: "Because the Japanese are too busy playing "World of Warcraft" and "Starcraft" and other games with the suffix "-craft" in them, and the Africans are too busy trying to find something to eat."
Milla: "So, what's your favourite food?"
Anchor: "Hey! That's my line!"
Milla: "Is it? Oh, yes I see now, sorry."
Anchor: "..."
Milla: "Well?"
Anchor: "Well, what?"
Milla: "Aren't you going to ask me what my favourite food is?"
Anchor: "No, you've already done that. Ruined the surprise and everything."
Milla: "The questions are surprises?"
Anchor: "Hell, yes! Do you have any idea how much time goes into preparing these questions? You have to take into account what kind of activity the interviewee has shown on the board the last few weeks, what sort of response he or she has triggered – I mean there are literally hundreds of different variables! Each one changing from person to person! Why do you think these interviews are becoming so rare?"
Milla: "Thought it was because you were busy playing Heroes 5."
Anchor: "Now, don't get cute with me – I'm the boss, applesauce, and if you misbehave I'll have to call a certain Summoner and have him bring his Widowmaker and give you a spanking."
Milla: "..."
Anchor: "..."
Milla: "You know, that actually sounded quite..."
Anchor: "Woah! Woawoawoah we have a young audience, let's keep the use of certain objects unmentioned and move on to…"
Milla: "I'm already cute, you know. I can't get cute with you because I already am."
Anchor: "And I'm sure the three guys from maintenance still hanging around – rather conspicuously – would agree."
Maintenance guy: "Permission to drool, ma'am."
Anchor: "Shut it! Go fix the bloody shower!"
Milla: "Anywaaaay, my favourite food is a biiig double chocolate fudge ice cream with chocolate sauce, chocolate whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and..."
Anchor: "... a shot of insulin."
Milla: "I also like Danish."
Anchor: "You prefer home brew?"
Milla: "I was talking about the pastry."
Anchor: "... I knew that. What I meant was... er... do you make them yourself?"
Milla: "Nah, I buy 'em."
Anchor: "Right."
Milla: "Nice save."
Anchor: "Okay, let's return to our questions."
Milla: "Hang on, my back is killing me – I gotta stand up and stretch... oh, ahh, mmm... *yawn* Oooh, that's much better. What was it we were doing?"
Anchor: "I... I need a cigarette."
Milla: "Now, questions. Hit me."
Anchor: "..."
Milla: "..."
Anchor: "... nah, even I thought that one was too cheap. So, we know how you look like, what you like to eat, the type and colour of your underwear, there's really nothing left to ask you, is there?"
Milla: "You run the show."
Anchor: "OK, that's it for this edition – we would like to close by saying no animals have been hurt or killed in the makings of this broadcast, except for a baby seal, four stunt dogs, a rare albino African boa, a school of dolphins, a beagle, fifty-two Elvis impersonators, an alpha chimp, two African bull elephants, eighteen college students, seventeen cows, an Amish farmer, two condors, a fan boy named Wayne "Sheckey" George, a falabella, a rare black rhino, a couple of lemurs, a silverback gorilla, a colony of Savannah baboons, a leper from Calcutta, six pandas, eighty-seven domesticated house cats, a spider monkey named "Chet", a fly, a long-haired wiener dog and the kitchen sink."
Studio Commentary: "That concludes this week's interview. Stay tuned for another edition next week, when our janitor Leslie tries out his latest pick-up line: "I'm not wearing any pants". "
Studio Commentary: "This week we have drafted in a real treat. This Monday, Round Table Weekly are proud to present the Great Summoner of the Elven Realm, the protector of Xanth and liberator of chocolate cookies everywhere – here he is, the one you've all been waiting for; the one, the only – Kalah... Hey, that's me – what's going on!?".
Anchor: "Your Greatness. Welcome."
Kalah: "Woof."
Anchor: "Um... beg your pardon?"
Kalah: "I was just admiring the poster on your wall."
Anchor: "Oh, yes well... erhm, I got that from one of the previous guests hrm..."
Kalah: "Right, let's talk shop."
Anchor: "M'kay, first let me say what an honour it is to have you here, Sir – er... I'm actually not quite sure what to refer to you as... you have so many titles. You're a moderator, a member of the CH Staff, a Summoner – the only thing I've been instructed not to refer to you as is you is the em... Game... erhm... er... national sosialist."
Kalah: "You were told not to call me a Game Nazi?"
Anchor: "Er... yes!"
Kalah: "Well, that's just silly. If people know me as a Game Nazi, you should call me a Game Nazi, right?"
Anchor: "Right! The secretary and the technicians told me that I should definitely not call you that, though, and that if I did, you would scream, whack the microphone with your cricket bat and pull a bag over your head."
Kalah: "What a silly notion."
Anchor: "That's what I said."
Kalah: "You're right."
Anchor: "So, that's what I'll call you then."
Kalah: "Go ahead."
Anchor: "OK... Mr. Game Nazi..."
Kalah: "AAAAAH! Kreegaah!!" *whack! whack! whack!*
Technician: "What happened...? The feed just... oh! Christ, you called him a Game Nazi, didn't you? Didn't I tell you not to do that? Look, now he's got a bag over his head, and we'll have to step into a crate and sing the I'm-so-sorry song."
Anchor: "I'm sorry, but he told me it was..."
Other technician: "Hey, socketboy, I've got those figures you... all right, who called the Summoner a Game Nazi?"
Technician: "He did."
Other technician: "Right. Make some room."
Anchor: "What is..."
Technician: "Take your right shoe off and stick your left foot in this box."
Anchor: "What is all this..."
Technicians: "Dum-dum-dum, I'm sorry – I'm so very very soooorry! Sorry that he called you that! Now take off that paper haaat! Dum-dum. Tada, dubidu."
Anchor: "Ah, there you are. Let's proceed with our questions."
Kalah: "You were asking me something?"
Anchor: "Yes... let's skip that for now, shall we? Instead, I have an idea. We've heard so much about your various activities on the forum. Why don't you show us what a typical day of yours is like?"
Kalah: "Yes, that's a good idea. I saw a computer over there in the hall, does that have internet hookup?"
Anchor: "I'm sure it does. Let's go see."
Kalah: "Um... Yes, it does... hey! It's even got other browsers than Explorer. Cool."
Anchor: "So, what do you do, where do you start?"
Kalah: "Well, I'm logged on, but I need my gear to enter the forum."
Anchor: "The 'gear'? What's that?"
Kalah: "Hand me my bag. That's the one, yes. You can take this checklist and check the inventory as I suit up."
Anchor: "...suit...eh?"
Kalah: "Boots!"
Anchor: "Em, er... check?"
Kalah: "Calf-skin gloves!"
Anchor: "Check."
Kalah: "Comfy chair!"
Anchor: "How'd you get that into this little... ah never mind.. check."
Kalah: "Tea!"
Anchor: "Thermo-cup, with a shock proof lid – niiice. Check."
Kalah: "Shades!"
Anchor: "Check – oh, those are cool..."
Kalah: "Music!"
Anchor: "Eh? What kind?"
Kalah: "Just hit play on that mp3 player. It's preset to my forumsurfing song: Another one bites the dust."
Anchor: "So what happens when the song ends?"
Kalah: "I stop and go to the main site for a spell. So it's only three minutes and thirty-six seconds each time. The song is that long, so..."
Anchor: "And you get everything done in that time?"
Kalah: "Well, I have to let the other posters get something in before I can do some more, so pauses at regular intervals are nice."
Anchor: "Everything set now? Here, I'll just press... play."
Kalah: "All right... Let's surf."
*meanwhile, somewhere else...*
Technician: "Sir, something's up with the weirdometer."
Gaidal Cain: "It's up? What's the value?"
Technician: "It's... Jesus, it's... off the scale, Sir."
Gaidal Cain: "What? Lemme see that. Hm. Wow, that's... really high. What's causing it?"
Technician: "We're on it, Sir."
Gaidal Cain: "Check the online section."
Technician: "Here we go, Sir... it's... a couple of newbies, DaemianLucifer, ThunderTitan, MrSteamTank, Kalah, Pitsu..."
Gaidal Cain: "Hang on, you said Kalah's online?"
Technician: "Umm... yes, that's confirmed, Sir – he's currently browsing the Campfire."
Gaidal Cain: "That's our baby. What's he doing?"
Technician: "Can't tell, Sir, but..."
Gaidal Cain: "But what?"
Technician: "There's something strange here. Last time I checked, this thread was two hundred pages long, now there are three pages less. And here's a quote referring to a post I can't seem to find..."
Gaidal Cain: "Well, well, it seems our old friend has brought out his gloves again, doesn't it..."
Technician: "What do we do, Sir?"
Gaidal Cain: "To the ModMobile!"
Studio Commentary: "The ModMobile is a modified Aston Martin DB9 Volante complete with radar, twin turbos, rocket sled capability and a total of six cupholders. If you would like to post an order for a scale model of the ModMobile, please give our operators a call at 1-800-MODZRULE. Now, back to the action."
Gaidal Cain: "All right, men. You know who we're up against. This is no drill. And even though he's been getting slower lately, last year's Christmas party showed he's still got a mean right hook. Number one, you go for his bat; it'll be located on his left hand side. Number two, you hit him with the tranquillizer. Number three, cut the lights while I try to head him off. Everybody set? All right, let's go. Remember after the music starts we have 3 minutes and 36 seconds to get to the terminal."
*in the hallway*
Kalah: "Here's a spam thread, close that... and a spambot has posted something... rather rude – delete that, ban the bot, let's see... delete, delete, delete, close, delete, close, ban... *clicketyclicketyclickety*
Anchor: "Boy, that's fast."
Kalah: "And another one bites the duuuust! Duh-duh-duh."
Anchor: "...do you smell something burning...?"
Kalah: "Delete, delete, close, haahahahaaa...! Who's ya daddy!?" *clicketyclicketyclicketyclicketyclickety*
Gaidal Cain: "Go!"
*light's out, assault team storms into the hallway*
Kalah: "Ah! If it isn't my old archnemesis, Gaidal. Welcome to the show, monkey boy."
Gaidal Cain: "You know you're not supposed to venture in on the board on your own, K. Give it up! Put the bat down, step away from the computer and... damn, take those gloves off, you look like one of the village people."
Anchor: "Ouch."
Kalah: "That really hurt, man."
Gaidal Cain: "It's over, K. Put it down."
Kalah: "You should have told your number one to be faster, GC." *cracking knuckles* "Come on, bring it! You know you hit like a girl!"
Gaidal Cain: "Yeah? Well, you pee like one."
Kalah: "That was a temporary medical condition!"
Gaidal Cain: "Number two. Hand me 'Wonderboy'."
Number two: "Oh no, Sir – not 'Wonderboy'! Anything but 'Wonderboy'!"
Anchor: "What's 'Wonderboy'?"
Kalah: "GC's stick."
Gaidal Cain: "It's not a stick! It's a hand-carved mahogany battle cane from the upper Mongolia, handed to me by an eighty year old master sensei of the Shaolin monks as a sign of greatness and true enlightenment!"
Kalah: "... it's a stick."
Gaidal Cain: "All right, monkey boy, that does it – you're going' down!"
Kalah: "Bring it on, Swede."
Studio Commentary: "We interrupt this broadcast here to ask: Exciting, isn't it? Mod versus mod. 'The Widowmaker' versus 'Wonderboy'. Who will win this fierce battle of wills? ... well, to avoid hurting the feelings of some of our more delicate viewers, we will recapitulate and tell you what happens next instead of showing it. The Swedish moderator confronted his colleague with his excessive activity on the forum, and a terrible battle of words ensued. Just as it seemed it would come to blows between them, however, a Danish moderator stepped in and suggested that instead of whacking each other, the Scandinavians should join together in rubbishing the French. They all thought this was a good idea, and sat down around the computer to have a go at the Heroes 5 producers."
Kalah: "I'm just going by the forum for a bit, just to check..."
Gaidal Cain: "..."
Kalah: "Why are you looking at your watch?"
Gaidal Cain: "Oh, I'm waiting for the tranquillizer to kick in. Didn't you notice that dart in your butt? And a certain dizziness creeping up your spine?"
Kalah: "Woah... I thought that was the tea."
Gaidal Cain: "Nope."
Robenhagen: "The plan worked. I knew he couldn't resist sitting back down by the screen, so I hid the dart in the comfy chair."
Gaidal Cain: "OK, he's going under. Grab the rope and take him to the ModMobile."
Kalah: "Nooo! The forum needs meeee..." *makes a run for it*
Robenhagen: "He's getting away! Get him!"
Gaidal Cain: "Get 'iiim!"
*everybody runs off*
Anchor: "Uh... Could someone get those lights back on?"
Studio Commentary: "Phew! I don't know about you, but I could use a drink, folks. See you next week. Hopefully... moahahahahaaaa..."
*Deacon's bass starts to play...*
Edition #16: Heroes 5 Archlich.
Studio Commentary: "This last edition before the summer holiday will feature another creature from the newest instalment in the Heroes of Might and Magic series; the creature that puts the word 'wide' back into fashion: The Archlich."
Archlich: "Hello."
Anchor: "So, you're a large creature, are you?"
Archlich: "That's right."
Anchor: "You're sure about that? You're not just a dead guy in an over-dimensioned prom dress?"
Archlich: "No. Let me tell you what I have under this dress..."
Anchor: "A crinoline?"
Archlich: "No, something useful. It's a Death Cloud Generator ®. It's what makes my ranged attacks so powerful. Because of the Death Cloud, my attack has an area effect and I can attack several creatures at once."
Anchor: "But this only works for ranged attacks?
Archlich: "Of course."
Anchor: "Why? The cloud itself doesn't affect undead, does it?"
Archlich: "The point is that my ranged attack is implemented by use of my staff, whereas my melee attack is physical."
Anchor: "So let's say you're surrounded by enemies; why not use the staff?"
Archlich: "No, I prefer to attack just one creature. Otherwise I would have a multiple retaliation ability, like the Hydra does. And, man, I just don't want to be associated with that thing. Have you seen the way those heads go everywhere? I mean, one creature attacks it from the front and it looks like it's trying to retaliate backwards – and in all other directions, for that matter."
Anchor: "So, you're a walking, ranged attacking guy with a big dress – like the other creatures that visited us I'll ask you about upgrades; what makes you worth those extra coins?"
Archlich: "Well, I've got a white dress, for one. And a cooler helm."
Anchor: "Some would say the Lich's helm is better looking?"
Archlich: "Yes, but they'd be quickly silenced."
Anchor: "Right. Unlike the other guest though, there aren't that many differences between you and your base creature; I've checked – no polo clubs, no casinos, no free porn site subscriptions..."
Archlich: "We're still working on that."
Anchor: "The producers will let you?"
Archlich: "Heh..."
Anchor: "Right... But there's another difference; you cast spells. Is that a lot of fun?"
Archlich: "Oh, yeah. Imagine a devil approaching me, and just as it's about to get a turn, I cast 'slow', and its slot hurls to the right like George W. Bush after an election. Gotta love that initiative stuff."
Anchor: "Yeah... I guess that's a love/hate thing.. either you do or you don't. Now, let's return to the holiday – this makes for a rather short interview, I see you have your bags packed and I'm off in just a minute also; where goes the trip this year?"
Archlich: "Well, I've decided on a trip into the Sylvan lands – lots of nice little pixies to... erhm, play with. And then on to the desert – for the undead that's a bit like being on a beach."
Anchor: "I'm going down south, myself. Not too far south, mind you. Trying to avoid those pesky blood furies. Though that Dungeon town five miles from my cabin does have a Palace of Shadows dwelling... hmm, maybe a small detour wouldn't be so bad."
Archlich: "Ech, damned shooters. We should be the only shooters in the game, that way it would be perfectly fair."
Anchor: "Fair? Your heroes gather up Skeletons by the dozen whenever fighting against a living thing, can cast the "raise dead" spell and keep the creatures after battle and... and you call getting rid of the only things that are likely to tip the balance in favour of someone else fair?
Archlich: "Yeah. Think of all the poor neutrals out there. Lone archliches, not supported by any heroes or artefacts whatsoever. We should be given a chance, don't you think? When a hero comes along and has his shooters kill us off before we can even lift our fingerbones..."
Anchor: "Ignoring the fact that this is part of the point, doing what you propose is just out of the question. Every faction must have a ranged creature, otherwise the fan sites out there will go amok."
Archlich: "Oh, yeah – forgot about the fans... howdy, everybody! Didn't really mean that part about the... you know. Just humour. Don't send emails with Anthrax powder."
Anchor: "Yeah, that doesn't work on undead. What you have to do is send some pictures of the Heroes producer nude..."
Archlich: "AAAAH! Not that! Please, don't tell them about the other..."
Anchor: "... way of putting you off base? You mean singing Händel's 'Messiah' at an alarmingly loud volume whilst dancing the Macarena?"
Archlich: "OK, I'm going on my holiday now. I gotta wear shaaaades..."
Anchor: "So am I. Bye, everyone."
